Self Care Challenge: Making a date with yourself

As busy moms the biggest mistake that we make is in taking care of everyone else and not taking care of ourselves. I know that I am guilty of this one on a regular basis. I will just keep powering through instead of allowing myself to take time to have some fun.

Fun? You say what the heck is that?

I know that feeling! You almost forget what you used to enjoy after a while. So think back and remember before you had a mortgage, children, significant other, etc. What did you use to do for fun?

Go for a hike?
Take in a play at the theater?
Hang out at the coffee shop with friends?
Dance around the living room?

I challenge each and every one of you out there to schedule some time for fun this week.  Make a plan then get a sitter and go for it!
If you did it, then go to the comments and post what you did so we can celebrate together!

Social Skills: Collaborative Problem solving

We have been really busy preparing for Advantage Day Camp later this summer and planning for some after school social skills groups during the Fall. Stay tuned for more on that program soon as we get it planned.

If you have any questions, feel free to fill out the form on the page or even give me a call at 503-459-2073

All the best, Karen

 Social Skills: Collaborative Problem solving

He made me do it!

There’s a battle going on and by the time you get to the next room something is broken and two kids are angry. After a bit of detective work you figure out who did what. The problem is that the usual suspect is blaming bis brother for his own bad behavior. . .again!

He made me do it!
He made me mad!

Sigh. . .

So, you worry about whether he is going to end up a hardened criminal always blaming someone else for his problems and never taking responsibility.

Why does my child do that?

The truth is that often when a child is in an emotionally charged state whether it is a happy, sad or angry his ability to problem solve will go out the window. You can subtract 3 to 6 years off of his age instantly. (for some children even more!)

Suddenly your very smart 9 year old is throwing a toy across the room because he is angry that his brother touched his special model. He will be convinced in the heat of that moment that his brother is the problem so he will react rather than logically realize that his behavior is going to get him into trouble. If he would have come to you for help first, then his brother would have been the one in trouble and not him.

So What now?

During the heat of the moment is not the time to work on this skill. Once the strong emotions are flying around there is very little ability to reason or learn, so save your breath and separate the two parties to calm down before you intervene or better yet try to intervene before things escalate this far.

The Pre-emptive Strike

The key is to try to intervene before the melt down is in full gear. Obviously, you will not be able to do this all the time, but when you can it can be a highly effective way to help your chil to learn how to problem solve before trouble strikes.

Here’s the steps:

1. Stop the action – “Whoa, hold on a minute, let’s talk about what’s happening right now.”
2. Help the parties to describe their concerns. “Okay, one at time. Joey tell me your side first and Johnny will get a turn in a minute.”
3. Ask clarifying questions and help him to restate his position as a concern and not as a solution. “Joey needs to share with me!” is a solution. The concern might be “I would like to play with the toy too!”
4. Then put both concerns on the table and ask both parties to come up with a solution that addresses both concerns. “So Joey wants to play with the toy, and Johnny is worried that Joey will break it and not put it away when he is done playing with it. What can we do here?”

Children are fairly self focused beings, so don’t expect your children to be able to do this perfectly the first time. But with some coaching from you, your children will be able to come up with some very creative ideas to address their concerns as well as your concern that they not beat each other to a pulp or trash the house when they disagree.

Give it a try and let me know how it went!

Advantage Day Camp: Building social skills through play

While Advantage Camp is designed to help your child build the skills that he or she needs to be successful in school and in life, the extra added bonus is that you may be able to take some time to nurture yourself while your child is having fun with us.

There are only five spaces left for day camp! Remember there is a $50 discount if you sign up before July 31st, so don’t delay as we will be filling up!

If your child struggles to make friends, gets in trouble
at school and home, and is starting to feel bad about him or herself then maybe it is time to address the problems and help your child to start building skills that will help the next school year be the best yet.

Advantage Day Camp builds skills that help your child to:

* Make and keep friends
* Control impulses that get them into trouble
* Feel good about who they are and what they have to offer
* Have FUN!!!

There is limited space available so if you are interested at all please check out the website at:

http://www.counselingformoms.com/daycamp.htm

Setting expectations for success

When I was about 10 years old, my mother handed me a can of comet and told me to clean the bathroom. Well, she never actually told me how to clean, but somehow she thought that I already knew just from watching her do it. So I went in the bathroom and sprinkled comet everywhere and then used my hand to scrub out the sink and rinse as much of the blue off as I could. Needless to say, it wasn’t the most perfect job. Sure it was better, but really clean—no.

So, one time mom walked in as I just scrubbing the porcelain with my hand and realized her mistake–she had forgotten to set up some expectations about how this job was to be done.

To her credit, she didn’t yell at me for doing it wrong, she said, “Oh no wonder!” then proceeded to teach me how to clean a bathroom sink. After that, I always used a wash cloth and the sink looked great!

One way that people tell children to behave the way they want them to behave is by saying “Be nice” and they assume that children know exactly what “be nice” means, but the truth is that some children really don’t understand what that means or why “being nice” at the park is different from “being nice” at school or in church. So when little Joey gets in trouble yet again and then blames someone else yet again, his parents worry that he is willfully being disobedient because after all “He knows better.”

So, how to avoid setting your child up for trouble?

I believe in a two pronged approach. First, is to teach very specifically what your expectations are, then set a reasonable consequence if that expectation is broken. For example, sit down with a piece of paper or use a white board then do a brain storm around the two phrases “Nice” and “Not nice” for a particular place and time, then list phrases that help you child to not just define, but have examples to generalize from.

At the park

Nice

Climbing on the play structure
Running in the grass
Swinging with your bottom in the seat
Yelling to your friends
Digging in the sand

Not Nice

Hitting, pushing or kicking others
Twisting in the swing
Not allowing others to pass on the slide
Swearing or name calling
Not coming when you are called by parent
Blindfolding my friend and pushing him down the slide

You get the idea. You can have a lot of fun with this brainstorm as your child will come up with all kinds of funny ideas that you never would have dreamed about. Just write them all down and laugh along. . . . Make sure all the important considerations are there too.

Once you and your child are clear about what the expectations actually are, then help your child to set a clear consequence for when the expectation is broken. In other words, if you child pushes another child on the play structure, then what would the consequence for that be?

Keep these simple, if consequences are too complicated you will forget what they are and end up being inconsistent.

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Advantage Day Camp

At Advantage Day Camp, we brainstorm expectations right on the first day, so that our campers know what we expect of them. What we have found is that by setting those expectations very clearly, then the children are much more likely to take ownership of them which leads them to follow those rules. In other words, we do everything we can to set them up for success right from the start so that they can focus on learning new skills rather than on getting into trouble.

We help kids to build:

• Social Skills (Making and keeping friends)
• Energy Control (Staying out of trouble)
• Emotional Intelligence (Notice and talk about feelings)
• Self Esteem (Feel good about themselves again)

And the best part is that they will be learning by playing, and you will have peace of mind knowing that your child is getting a head start for school next year.

So if you want to get the advantage for your child, then please visit the web page and feel free to ask me any questions. Here’s the link:

http://www.counselingformoms.com/daycamp

Creating an environment of success

A quick note before our regularly scheduled

About two years ago, I attempted to create a Day Camp that would address the specific needs of children diagnosed with ADHD which would help them to build specific skills through play. While I got lots of people interested, not enough signed up to make it go. I realized that part of the problem was that I wasn’t doing a good job of communicating about the camp, I was being limited by the ADHD diagnosis, and I was shy about getting the word out.

Doh! No wonder no one signed up.

Well, I have gotten a ton of phone calls and emails since then asking about social skills groups. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that this is the year. I have been lucky enough to get a great staff together and that is making all the difference!

So without further adieu. . .

Announcing Advantage Day Camp

Check out all the details at:

Http://www.counselingformoms.com/daycamp.htm

If you have any questions, feel free to fill out the form on the page or contact me here.

I’m really excited about what we are putting together, and I hope
you will be too.

All the best, Karen

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog article. . .

Creating an environment of success

My son is getting ready to move up to middle school next year. This is a big deal for any child, but for someone who is already struggling with school, it is an especially stressful time. He referred to school recently as “Six hours of complete misery.” Add to that, the fact that he is starting to be aware of how he is different from other kids and what it means to have “Asperger’s Syndrome” and well. . .it’s been a tough couple of months for him and us.

One of the things that we did to help him cope with the transition is to go take a tour of the new school. We are very lucky in our district to have a special classroom for children who have high functioning autism. In the new classroom, we saw work tables with walls to block out distractions, a break room where you can take a short nap, a quiet room where you can go read quietly, and organizational areas that allow each child to know what books and materials they need for each mainstream class and to take home.

There was a lot more, but you get the idea. My son was practically in tears when he saw the quiet room and the break room because he was so happy. He often needs to take a break during the day, and here are two areas where he can go and cool out in his classroom. I thought the organizational area was a revelation because that is a huge problem for him now.

So all this got me to thinking about how environments really affect how children behave. It seems like if an environment is set up really well then it will be easier for your child to be successful. In other words, how can we adjust the physical areas of our home to better support our children doing what we would like them to do?

Ideas for improving the environment in your home:

1. Analyze the problem areas – For example, you have trouble getting your children to pick up toys and you are always stepping on little bits and pieces in the family room.

2. Assess the reason for the problem – Maybe they are not getting all the Leggos up because the pieces are so small that they tend to get caught up in the carpeting.

3. Adjust the environment – Making it easier to get those little pieces up out of carpeting will make it more likely to actually get done so. . . Try providing a small dustpan and hand brush that is to be used only on picking up toys. (I got ours at the dollar store)

This process of analyze, assess and adjust will work on all kinds of problems to help you and your children come up with better ways to cope with problems. Adjusting the environment is one of the first steps towards calming the chaos around your house.

What are some ways that you have adjusted the environment at your house? We would love to know!

Living the Vida Loca

Organization in our home is a constant work in progress. We struggle to get our schedules straight and make sure that we have what we need when we need it. Heck, its hard lately to even find time to schedule a meeting to talk about our schedules. (Oy!)

So we have  phones which are actually little computers that help a lot, since we can text each other schedule changes and put it right into the calendar on the phone. Still it’s not a perfect science and sometimes we will get crossed signals and then there’s problems. I suppose most families struggle with this.

The other day, my husband was dancing around the kitchen, while I was making coffee, singing “Living the Vida Loca” to me and swinging his hips just like Ricki Martin. I said, “Hey, I’m already late for work Mister. We can have La Vida Loca later.” He then started off on one of his comedy riffs about scheduling La Vida Loca.

“Let’s see next Thursday at 3 o’clock we can have some La Vida but there no time to be Loca, no wait I forgot you have a client scheduled then. How about Friday at 8 pm. Hmm I’m usually tired after work so that’s iffy” Maybe. . . .”

As I was laughing, I thought you know scheduling in fun times is actually critically important. We remember to put in doctor appointments and when we are supposed to work, heck we even have our leaf pick up scheduled. Do we have fun times with our loved ones scheduled? Do we put in:

• Wrestling with my kid
• Snuggling with my sweetie
• Dancing in the living room

Okay, that might be too specific, but leaving open spaces for family fun, couple time, and alone time is really important. Don’t let your La Vida Loca get lost in the shuffle—schedule it in too!

The Cure for Backtalk

Many parents have identified back talk by their children as one of their most difficult parenting challenges. After all, when your child back talks you isn’t your first urge to give it right back? Yet, this urge is actually counterproductive because you are modeling the very same bad behavior you want them to stop doing.

Doesn’t work so well. . .

So what’s a mom or dad to do? Well, let’s look under the hood and see what is underneath that snotty remark. Those bratty remarks and obnoxious comments are actually covering up some other concern. For example, your child might be feeling overwhelmed by what you just asked him to do, but rather than say that, he spouts off with back talk.

So the trick is to address the underlying feeling rather than the angry words. By ignoring the obnoxious remarks, you are not giving that behavior any of your energy. Also, you are not modeling that same anger back which does nothing to address the real problem. This anger is a distraction from the real underlying issue and by addressing that you get what you want and your child’s concerns are addressed—win/win.

So instead of yelling back, you tilt your head to the side in a quizzical expression and ask calmly “What’s got you so upset?” or some other open ended general question. Your child will respond. Repeat the words your child says in the form of a question, then wait for more information. Continue doing this until you get down to the real issue at hand.

Here is an example of how it might work:

Mom: Joanie, go clean your room!
Joanie: Forget it! I’m not doing it!

Mom: What’s up with that? (Voice is calm, expression questioning)
Joanie: You are so mean to me all the time!
Mom: I’m so mean to you all the time? (again calm, questioning)
Joanie: You are always getting on my case and telling me what to do!
Mom: I’m on always on your case? I just asked you to clean your room?
(notice how Mom doesn’t engage that and brings things back to the current situation which is the room cleaning)

Joanie: It’s too much to do! (Ah, now we have the turning point—a sign of overwhelm)
Mom: Oh, it seems like too much to do and maybe you are feeling overwhelmed?
Joanie: Yeah, just look at it! I don’t know where to start!

Now Mom knows that Joanie is overwhelmed by the idea of cleaning her room and doesn’t know where to get started. Mom can help Joanie to break the project up into smaller steps so that it doesn’t seem so overwhelming. Joanie is calmer now because her concerns are being addressed. Mom never lost her cool, and the room is getting cleaned. Everybody wins.

Now you may ask how does the actual back talk get addressed? By not acknowledging the anger and instead addressing the real concern, you are modeling good communication skills to your child. Over time, your child will begin expressing their feelings more directly, but this is a skill that comes with maturity. You might even mention later when everybody is calm that Joanie could have said that she felt overwhelmed in the first place.

Give it a try at your house and let me know how it goes!

Calling All Single Moms

I am working on a new resource for single moms who are wanting to get back into the dating scene or who are already trying to date and not getting the results they want.

 Believe me I have been there. After my divorce from my kid’s father, I went online and posted a profile on an internet dating site. I couldn’t figure out how I would ever meet anyone otherwise.

Nightclubs?  Too loud to talk

Book store? Way too shy to walk up and talk to someone

Friends? No one in my circle knew anyone date worthy.

So, I bit the bullet and gave online dating a try.  I learned a lot and in time I did meet and marry the man of my dreams. We have been very happily married for four years now and still act like a couple of newly weds most days.

So, I decided to create a resource for others so that I could share what I learned, so that you can avoid some of the pitfalls on the way to meeting the man of your dreams.

And what are those dreams anyway?

Send me an email at the contact line there on the left and tell me what questions or worries or problems you are having with dating as a single mom. Everyone who posts will get an opportunity to win a free copy.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Finding the best ways to express your love

It has been a while since I wrote a blog entry. I hope you
have been well, dear readers, and I thank you for your
patience. Seems like the big life transitions got in the
way of my best laid plans. I’m just beginning to peek my
head out again with a purpose and a vision to begin to build
on my work again.

I will be writing this blog again on a regular basis
and I plan to add in some topics regarding relationships
that have not been my focus up until now. I realized that
the relationship (or lack of one!) between the adults in a
home can have as much impact on children as the relationship
between adults and children. So, there will be more
articles about maintaining and creating good relationships
coming up in addition to more about parenting.

So stay tuned!

Finding the best ways to express your love

Most of us are struggling financially these days, between
the high prices at the grocery store and the huge
fluctuations in gas prices, it can be pretty tough to make
ends meet. Still, we don’t want to short change our
holidays, especially a fun one like Valentines Day.

So I have come up with an idea that you might enjoy if
buying a box of chocolates or a dozen roses is not in the
budget this year. Actually, my guess is that many of these
ideas might actually be enjoyed more than those traditional
gifts. So whether you are thinking about a little sweetheart
or a big one, these ideas will help you pick just the right
way to show how much you care.

Find your sweetie’s love language

The first step to make sure that your gift is well received
is to figure out what love languages your sweetie prefers.
If you haven’t done this already based on a past newsletter
(hyperlink) then now is the time. This is based on the book
by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages: How to
Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. The author
describes five love languages:

* Touch
* Quality time together
* Words of Affection
* Acts of Service
* Gifts

All of these languages are lovely of course, but one or two
will be a person’s preferred love language and by using that
preference you will be able to choose the perfect gift for
the one that you love. Often, we will give others the love
language that we prefer. So noticing what your sweetie does
for you will also give you a good clue. Does he set up the
stereo system for you, pick daisies out of the yard, or give
you a nice shoulder rub? That might be a clue that he likes
Acts of service, gifts, or touch as his love languages.

So go find out which are your sweeties top two love
languages, then refer to this list for ideas for each type:

Touch

Coupons for foot, shoulder, or full body massages (by you of
course)
An expensive stuffed animal with extra soft fur
How about a book or DVD on massage for couples with lots of
exercises to try together?

Quality Time Together

For little sweeties plan some one on one time doing an
activity of their choice. Write the plan in a card and you
are good to go.

For big sweeties, arrange for grandma to take the kids for
the afternoon or even the weekend if that is possible, and
then plan to just hang out together doing things that you
and your sweetie enjoy doing together. Really focus all your
attention on your sweetie. Write out your planned
arrangements in a card you make or buy, then enjoy!

Words of Affection

Words can be delivered in a number of ways so get creative
and use several methods
Write a poem or a letter detailing your love
Record yourself expressing your love and deliver it as an
MP3 file or on a tape or CD
Film yourself on video expressing your love
If all of that is too nerve wracking, then find a card that
aptly expresses your feelings and underline and add notes to
it.

Note: None of this needs to be long or flowery unless that
is your style. Just be your genuine self and speak from
your heart.

Acts Of Service

Do something to make your sweetie’s life a little bit
easier. It could be making a favorite meal or treat, taking
over a hated chore for a specific period of time, or giving
them a coupon for one act of service “to be named by the
sweetie.”

Gifts

Think back to times when you have given a gift that was a
big hit. Now, don’t go and do exactly the same thing–yep,
boring. Think about what made that gift the hit that it
was. Was it something your sweetie admired in a store and
you remembered and went to pick it up later? Was it
something that you noticed your sweetie needs? Maybe it’s
something that will help your sweetie remember how much you
really care. Remember, it doesn’t have to be big and
extravagant to be appreciated. It does need to show that you
spent some time thinking and appreciating before you plunked
down that dough.

My friend’s husband once bought his wife a vacuum cleaner
for a gift. Many of you are out there groaning and believe
me I would be also, but this was the perfect gift for my
friend. She had admired it several times and expressed that
she would like to buy it “someday.” She also got the added
bonus of being able to tell everyone that her Valentines
Gift really sucked! Believe me that man was a hero that day.

Okay, now forward this off to your sweetie so that you can
get what you really want too!

 If you have any other great ideas for a love language based gift please post a comment, I’d love to hear what else you come up with!

Have a cookie!

I just read an interesting blog entry from my dear friend, Anne Cuthbert. Anne is a counselor here in Portland specializing in eating disorders. She wrote a blog recently about how to help your kids avoid the risk factors for an eating disorder. Check out the article and send her a comment if you have any questions.

 I recognized many of this from my own childhood and some of you may notice the same thing. We don’t require anybody clean their plate at our house, but both my husband and I have trouble remembering for ourselves. Those habits get so deeply ingrained when we are little. 

Did you have to clean your plate?

Internet Safety: Tips for your computer savvy kid

It’s Summer time so that means more time outside in the sun
hopefully, but for many kids it also means more time in
front of the computer screen.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the internet and all
the very cool internet sites that allow us to keep in touch
with friends from all over the globe as well as research
history or the latest gadget. What did I ever do before I
could look up just about anything at all on Wikipedia?

For kids, there are many great sites for gaming, social
networking, and sharing video which are really fun and even
educational. The problem is that sometimes kids don’t
remember that this online world is not actually private and
is in fact more like sitting on a street corner–a busy
street corner at that.

This lack of understanding can create problems if kids (or
adults for that matter) don’t take steps to protect their
online privacy. The worst case being the recent suicide by a
teen who had been the victim of a cyber bully, and there are
always stories about others who are lured by pedofiles into
a “in real life” meeting. Obviously, these are extreme
cases, but they have a message for all of us.

Basic Internet Safety

One of the most important rules is:

***Keep the computer in a public place in the house***

Yep, the computer needs to be in the family room or kitchen,
not in a bedroom. This more than anything else will help to
remind kids that they are “in public.” Peek over their
shoulder once in a while and see what they are working on.
Ask them questions and let them explain about the sites they
are frequenting and the people who are there.

***Let them know that the computer will be monitored***

In our house, kids on the computer do not have privacy. I
check their history periodically to verify they are not
looking at sites that I find objectionable. If you are
checking history and notice that the history is gone or
there is a chunk missing, then that is cause to immediately
remove computer privileges. It takes a pretty savvy kid to
remove history, but it is not impossible.

Supervision as always is the key.

***Kids should never use real information in profiles***

Social networking sites like MySpace, Gaia Online, or even
Neopets allow kids from all over the world to communicate
with each other. Kids writing to each other–how cool is
that? Problem is that there are weirdos out there too, and
there’s no way to be sure who is really a kid.

One way to protect your child to make sure that in their
public profiles on these sites that they do not use their
real name, picture, school, or even town. No real life
demographic information should be available and should not
be given out to anyone who asks.

Anyone who pushes for information. “What school do you go
to?” “What city do you live in” Is obviously suspect and
should be immediately blocked and the site should be
notified. This may sound harsh as the other person could be
another kid, but I really believe that its better to be safe
than sorry.

My daughter and her friends (in real life) had been
befriended by someone on the Gaia Online website. They use
this site to send private messages to each other and to
write stories together (what they call RPing or Role
Playing) This person had started out fine joining in on
their stories, etc, but things started to get weird when he
sent my daughter some sexually explicit messages. She got so
upset that she accidentally printed it out, and I saw the
print out. You can guess what happened next.

***How to handle removing computer privileges***

Depending on how computer savvy you are this can be a bit
tricky.  The easiest thing to do is to change the passwords
on the computer as well as the sites that they use.  There
are kids who would be able to get around that however. If
that is the case, and you are not home to supervise, then
take the modem with you. This effectively removes their
ability to connect to the internet completely.

Kids should never have administrator rights to a computer so
that you can always have access to change their passwords,
and so that they cannot create new user accounts that you
are not monitoring. One kid I knew created an account just
so that he could look at porn without having his history
show up in his main user account. Unfortunately, for him he
was not aware of how hard it is to completely remove porn
site information, and I was able to help his mom to find all
the evidence she needed. She took the modem to work after
that. . .

***Talk to your kids about your values***

I feel like a broken record (scratched CD?) but this is so
important! Kids don’t just automatically absorb our beliefs.
We have to actually teach them, discuss them and, yes,
repeat them over and over.

Your kids should know your values by watching how you live,
but also talking about why you feel the way you do and also
what the limits are around those feelings is really
important also. So how do you feel about drugs? What about
smoking? What about porn? These are all important topics for
parents and kids to think about and learn about whether its
on the internet or off.

——————————–
Calm the Chaos Parent Coaching
——————————–

***Are you struggling with Chaos at Home?***

Summer is here.

For some families that means life will be simpler and
easier, but for others it means playing referee between
siblings, extra supervision to keep active bodies out of
trouble, and struggling with shifting sleep schedules. Or
maybe its the new school year that has you feeling stressed?

Now is a great time to really work on those issues that have
been keeping you from having the healthy and fun family life
you have been wanting.

http://www.counselingformoms.com/parentcoaching.htm

Then give me a call at 503-459-2073 and let’s get you
started today!

Want to recieve these messages in your email box? Sign up for the newletter here:

http://www.counselingformoms.com/signup.htm
—————————————-
Calm the Chaos Newsletter
This Newsletter is copyright (c)2007 Karen DeBolt,
all rights reserved.

You may freely reprint in any newsletter, web site, or
print journal. Please send me a copy and
include the following attribution:

“Calm the Chaos Newsletter article (c)2008
Karen DeBolt, MA. All Rights Reserved.
Reprinted with permission.
Helping families struggling with Chaos at home to
have happy, successful children.
Sign up for the newsletter at
http://www.counselingformoms.com and receive a
copy of the free report, ‘Conquering Bad Behavior
Without Stress.’”

I send out an extra email now and then detailing
programs and offers.