Social Skills: Harder to do at the speed of life

 I have been very busy doing social skills assessments this summer, and I am learning so much! The assessment that I’m using is a modified version of the one detailed in Michelle Garcia Winner’s book “Thinking about you thinking about me. 2^nd edition” The assessment covers skills such as the ability to: 

1. ask for help
2. manage mild frustration.
3. read social situations from photos
4. sequence events to tell a story
5. understand the main idea of a story
6. maintain appropriate eye contact
7. answer questions fully and on topic
8. make inferences about relationships observed
9. do the social fake (i.e. seem interested when you really are not)
10. show curiosity by asking questions of another person
11. understand the concept that where someone is looking gives us clues as to what they are thinking about.

 Every child that I assessed so far was able to do somethings well and struggled with others. Some kids appeared to be able to do most of the activities well, but their parents stated that they were not able to read social cues well at all. When I was able to observe these children at camp, I found that they were not able to to do this in real time even though they did well during the assessment. This really drove home the importance of observation in a natural setting. Social situations happen so fast that a child who struggles may completely miss something if there is a lot of input going on all at once.

 For example, if a child is telling the same story for the fifth or sixth time and another child rolls his eyes. The teller of the story may completely miss that very subtle, but meaningful, gesture especially if there is a lot of background noise, if the story is particularly engrossing to the storyteller, or if the storyteller’s eyes are roaming around rather than using appropriate eye contact. Yet this same storyteller may have been able to look at a scenario on a card and correctly read the situations in my quiet office with few distractions.

 I believe that by teaching these skills in various situations that children can begin to improve on their social skills over time even under trying, real life situations—like summer day camp! It will take patience and persistence over time, but I believe that it is so worth it.

Explorer’s Day Camp – See the new dates!

We still have two slots available for day  camp for 5 to 6 year old children.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to cancel our original dates and rescheduled it for the very end of summer. This is a great opportunity to get your little ones some basic social skills in time for school to start again. All the details are on the website . Check it out then fill out the form at the bottom, and I’ll call you to set up the assessment.

Defiance: What causes it and what to do about it.

 Videogame versus Homework

So, 10 year old John is sitting in front of the video game as usual. He’s making those frustrated sounds he makes when things are not going his way in the game. Mom realizes that it’s time for him to start his homework, so she says, “Hey, time to start your homework.”

Mom hears no response. It is as though she never said a word. So, she says, louder this time, “Homework time! Save your game.” This time he says “Wait a minute! I can’t stop now until I beat this boss, mom!”

Mom is reasonable so she says, “Okay five minutes, then you need to come do homework.” He says with some attitude “Whatever!” Now mom is starting to lose her patience. “Hey, I said five minutes. No attitude or the game goes off now!” He is silent this time.

In five minutes or maybe more if mom got distracted doing something else, she goes back to see that he is still playing, and now he is obviously doing something else—in other words he’s finished with the boss and is now doing something else. This time Mom says quite loudly lest he doesn’t “hear” her again. “John Michael turn that off now! Right this minute young man!” He says “No! Mom you are so mean all the time! Why are you yelling at me?”

By this time, mom has completely lost her own temper. . . Eventually, the video game is turned off and the homework gets done, but mom is angry, John is angry, and mom is wondering what the heck is wrong that she can’t get her child to do anything without have a battle royale.

What the heck?

There are some very specific reasons why some children are more likely to be defiant than others. These things have very little to do with a specific diagnosis although there are a few that seem to pop up frequently—ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Mood Disorders, but there are plenty of kids who would not fit a particular diagnostic category yet are extremely hard to parent due to almost constant defiance. These particular challenges involve a set of skills called Executive Functions which are delayed or completely missing.

Executive Functions

Executive Functions are a series of skills that help a person to organize their lives. This includes things like time management, prioritizing tasks, organizing, transitions, and impulse control. So what do these skills have to do with your child being defiant? Basically, if a task is needing one or more of these skills then that task is going to be more challenging for your child which may cause him to refuse rather than make the huge effort necessary to accomplish this task that seems easy to you and me.

Let’s go back to our video gamer who is refusing to do his homework. There are several Executive Functions in play here.

Time management – John doesn’t realize how long 5 minutes is, and he may be under estimating how long it will take to do his homework so he doesn’t understand his mom’s urgency.
Prioritization – John doesn’t prioritize his mother’s feelings, his homework, and his winning of the game he is playing in a way that works well for his life. The game will be there the next day and the day after that, but the homework is due tomorrow.
Transitions – John has a very hard time transitioning from a very pleasurable activity to a not so pleasurable activity like homework.
Impulse Control – John allowed himself to say to his mom “Whatever!” when she made a request of him. Most people have thoughts like these all the time, but John has a hard time not saying them out loud. It’s like a filter is missing.

All of these functions are necessary just to get from game play to homework. Actually, completing homework takes all of these and even more!

So how do I help my child?

While these challenges may be life long, it is possible with some specific interventions to help children to learn ways to cope with their challenges so that they are not so difficult. In the above example here are some ways that mom could have set things up differently that would have made things quite a bit easier.

• Rather than call out from another room – go and touch him on the shoulder, use his name and in a calm voice say exactly what you expect him to do and when. For example, “John, I want you to finish with this boss, then turn off your game and come to the table to start homework.”
• Using a timer – by using a timer, your child doesn’t need any reminders from you—when the alarm goes off that’s it. It takes you out of the loop and puts the control back on him.
• When he begins to move in the right direction, then use a specific praise statement to acknowledge that he is doing what you asked him to do. “John! You turned off your game! Way to go! (Give a high five)
• If this is still not completely resolving the problem, then have a heart to heart discussion when you are both calm about your concerns and encourage him to talk to you about his concerns, and then see if you can come to an agreement. “John, I expected you to do A, B, and C, but that did not happen. What’s up with that?”

Staying calm

The hardest part, but one of the most important parts is to remain calm. Remember that your child is doing his best right now even if that best is not what you would hope for at this point. By remaining calm, you will send a message to your child that you are in control, that you care about him, and most importantly you will be creating a better relationship with your child.

Holiday Wishes

Here is wishing you and yours a happy holiday season filled with love and laughter.

Well, I don’t know about you, but we are in full swing around here. I have attended 4 out of 5 choir concerts (All three of my kiddos are in choir!)  this season and have been trying to organize the special meals and celebrations to come. I was beginning to feel frazzeled already!I got this message from Rena Hatch who is a Life Coach and truly a maven of self care that really helped me get back into focus on what is important.Check out her message about how her cat inspired her thoughts on self care for the holiday season.  Cats really are pretty wise! All the best, Karen DeBolt, MA Parent Coach and Family Therapist http://www.counselingformoms.com 503-459-2073 Helping families struggling with chaos at home to raise happy, successful children. Okay the hat has got to go! Photo by Delina on Flickr

Fighting Fair

As miserable as fighting with your partner/spouse can be at times, it is not necessarily a red flag for your relationship. Everyone fights from time to time, but if the fights are very intense or very frequent or never seem to come to a resolution, then it might be time to take a look at the way you fight rather than on just what you are fighting about. There are several ways that the way you fight can actually cause even more problems that the original disagreement.

Here are a few:

Kitchen sink fighting

Do you find that when you are in an argument that one or both of you bring up past mistakes, past hurts, or other unresolved conflicts? I call this Kitchen Sink fighting because you are bringing in everything but the kitchen sink—heck I think my ex-husband did bring up the kitchen sink in one of our fights long ago, but I digress.

Hostage taking

Another way of fighting that is counter productive to resolution is to hold your partner hostage. Many times one partner will need to take a break to calm down and to collect his or her thoughts before continuing with an argument. However, the other partner will insist that the fight needs to happen right now and will not allow the other partner to leave or take a break. This will often cause either an escalation of the fight at hand or it will cause the partner who needs the break to agree to anything to just get out of the situation. Either scenario means that true resolution is not going to happen and not only that resentment is going to build up. The hostage taker will win every battle, but ultimately will often lose the war. . .

So what do we do?

The key to good fighting is to set up some ground rules ahead of time when things are calm. Here are some ideas for good rules to put in place before your next disagreement.

1. Take turns talking and listening—use an object to let the other person who when you are done talking and are ready to start listening. This will eliminate interrupting each other and will hopefully encourage calm listening by both parties.
2. Keep to the topic at hand—don’t bring in that kitchen sink!
3. Avoid absolutes—using words like “always” and “never” are a sure sign that you may be bringing in old wounds rather than keeping to the topic at hand in the here and now. Old wounds mean more intense emotions that may not fit with what is happening right now.
4. Take a break—if one partner asks for a break, then the other partner will honor that. This doesn’t mean that the fight is over and that everything is fine now. This means one partner needs some time and will say when he or she is ready to continue. The partner who is ready to go now needs to have a back up plan for how to cope with waiting like calling a friend, journal writing, or doing spiritual practice.
5. Give each other the benefit of the doubt—If you just met your partner, you would probably give him or her the benefit of the doubt. By staying as calm as possible and asking clarifying questions you may find that there is nothing to fight about after all.

By using rules like these in your fights, you may find that your arguments are shorter, less intense, and best of all come to a resolution. Don’t be limited by these rules either, come up with rules that work for the two of you are your particular situation. Remember if you are still having trouble that talking to a counselor can be very helpful.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

Social Skills: The Right Time and the Right Audience

I was talking to my husband about today’s newsletter topic and I explained to him that children who struggle with social skills often don’t understand that some behaviors are okay with some people and at some times, but not okay with other people or at other times. For example, arm farts are really funny and very acceptable when you are with your other 3rd grade friends on the playground or hanging around outside at home, but those same very funny arm farts will get you a trip to the principals office if you do it in the classroom or a time out if you do it at Grandma’s house.

“Aaah.” Said my husband with that dreamy look in his eye that tells me that he is remembering his own past arm fart fun.” Suddenly he said, “So how do you teach that?” “Well,” I said off handedly, “You just talk about it. Most of the time we just tell them to knock it off and that’s it. We assume that they know that this is not the right time. In fact, most of the time they must get pretty confused because they really don’t understand when it is okay and when it is not.”

I didn’t think anymore about it that day, but the next day my husband happily told me a story about putting this little idea on the road.

We were at an art fair with our extended family. My dad’s hip was bothering him, so I walked him back to the car and my son was tagging along. When we arrived my husband was already at the car, so he took both of them back to the house. My typically stoic dad was telling my husband about how much pain he is in when my son pipes up from the backseat, “Oh yeah, you think that’s bad, you should have felt how much pain, I was in last week!”

My husband immediately recognized that my son was acting in an inappropriate manner—some would even say that he lacked empathy—but rather than just tell him to “Knock it off.” He explained to my son that talking like that would be okay with his buddies.

(Imagine for a moment: a group of boys standing in a circle comparing war wounds. “Oh yeah, when I cut my arm it bled for an hour!” “Oh yeah, when I broke my arm the bone was sticking out!” “Oh yeah. . .”)

My husband also explained that this is not an appropriate way to talk to Grandpa when he is in pain. My husband said that he saw that little light bulb go off over my son’s head that day. The other added benefit was that this conversation also helped my dad to better understand my son’s social skills challenges.

____________________________________

Advantage Day Camp – Aug 24th – 28th in Hillsboro, OR.

Does your child sometimes behave in ways that are not appropriate to the situation at hand? This is an area where additional social skills help can make a huge difference.

If your child is going into 2nd through 6th grade and has social skills challenges, then Advantage Day Camp was especially designed for you. Day camp will provide a ratio of one highly skilled leader for each two children. We will be teaching skills like:

• Flexibility
• Collaboration
• Communication skills
• Impulse control

All while having fun playing games, getting into nature, and exploring our creativity.

You may notice that I left the Early Bird discount up even though that is long past. It was 105 degrees that week! Who could think about anything, but a nice, cool lemonade in that weather?

So, not to worry, I would like to help as many children as I can with this program before school starts again, so if this sounds like a good fit, then please don’t hesitate. I will be closing registration this Friday, August 14th at midnight, so that I can concentrate on preparations.

Fill out the form at the bottom of the webpage, and I will be happy to contact you at your convenience or feel free to contact me at 503-459-2073.

Social Skills: Collaborative Problem solving

We have been really busy preparing for Advantage Day Camp later this summer and planning for some after school social skills groups during the Fall. Stay tuned for more on that program soon as we get it planned.

If you have any questions, feel free to fill out the form on the page or even give me a call at 503-459-2073

All the best, Karen

 Social Skills: Collaborative Problem solving

He made me do it!

There’s a battle going on and by the time you get to the next room something is broken and two kids are angry. After a bit of detective work you figure out who did what. The problem is that the usual suspect is blaming bis brother for his own bad behavior. . .again!

He made me do it!
He made me mad!

Sigh. . .

So, you worry about whether he is going to end up a hardened criminal always blaming someone else for his problems and never taking responsibility.

Why does my child do that?

The truth is that often when a child is in an emotionally charged state whether it is a happy, sad or angry his ability to problem solve will go out the window. You can subtract 3 to 6 years off of his age instantly. (for some children even more!)

Suddenly your very smart 9 year old is throwing a toy across the room because he is angry that his brother touched his special model. He will be convinced in the heat of that moment that his brother is the problem so he will react rather than logically realize that his behavior is going to get him into trouble. If he would have come to you for help first, then his brother would have been the one in trouble and not him.

So What now?

During the heat of the moment is not the time to work on this skill. Once the strong emotions are flying around there is very little ability to reason or learn, so save your breath and separate the two parties to calm down before you intervene or better yet try to intervene before things escalate this far.

The Pre-emptive Strike

The key is to try to intervene before the melt down is in full gear. Obviously, you will not be able to do this all the time, but when you can it can be a highly effective way to help your chil to learn how to problem solve before trouble strikes.

Here’s the steps:

1. Stop the action – “Whoa, hold on a minute, let’s talk about what’s happening right now.”
2. Help the parties to describe their concerns. “Okay, one at time. Joey tell me your side first and Johnny will get a turn in a minute.”
3. Ask clarifying questions and help him to restate his position as a concern and not as a solution. “Joey needs to share with me!” is a solution. The concern might be “I would like to play with the toy too!”
4. Then put both concerns on the table and ask both parties to come up with a solution that addresses both concerns. “So Joey wants to play with the toy, and Johnny is worried that Joey will break it and not put it away when he is done playing with it. What can we do here?”

Children are fairly self focused beings, so don’t expect your children to be able to do this perfectly the first time. But with some coaching from you, your children will be able to come up with some very creative ideas to address their concerns as well as your concern that they not beat each other to a pulp or trash the house when they disagree.

Give it a try and let me know how it went!

Advantage Day Camp: Building social skills through play

While Advantage Camp is designed to help your child build the skills that he or she needs to be successful in school and in life, the extra added bonus is that you may be able to take some time to nurture yourself while your child is having fun with us.

There are only five spaces left for day camp! Remember there is a $50 discount if you sign up before July 31st, so don’t delay as we will be filling up!

If your child struggles to make friends, gets in trouble
at school and home, and is starting to feel bad about him or herself then maybe it is time to address the problems and help your child to start building skills that will help the next school year be the best yet.

Advantage Day Camp builds skills that help your child to:

* Make and keep friends
* Control impulses that get them into trouble
* Feel good about who they are and what they have to offer
* Have FUN!!!

There is limited space available so if you are interested at all please check out the website at:

http://www.counselingformoms.com/daycamp.htm

Living the Vida Loca

Organization in our home is a constant work in progress. We struggle to get our schedules straight and make sure that we have what we need when we need it. Heck, its hard lately to even find time to schedule a meeting to talk about our schedules. (Oy!)

So we have  phones which are actually little computers that help a lot, since we can text each other schedule changes and put it right into the calendar on the phone. Still it’s not a perfect science and sometimes we will get crossed signals and then there’s problems. I suppose most families struggle with this.

The other day, my husband was dancing around the kitchen, while I was making coffee, singing “Living the Vida Loca” to me and swinging his hips just like Ricki Martin. I said, “Hey, I’m already late for work Mister. We can have La Vida Loca later.” He then started off on one of his comedy riffs about scheduling La Vida Loca.

“Let’s see next Thursday at 3 o’clock we can have some La Vida but there no time to be Loca, no wait I forgot you have a client scheduled then. How about Friday at 8 pm. Hmm I’m usually tired after work so that’s iffy” Maybe. . . .”

As I was laughing, I thought you know scheduling in fun times is actually critically important. We remember to put in doctor appointments and when we are supposed to work, heck we even have our leaf pick up scheduled. Do we have fun times with our loved ones scheduled? Do we put in:

• Wrestling with my kid
• Snuggling with my sweetie
• Dancing in the living room

Okay, that might be too specific, but leaving open spaces for family fun, couple time, and alone time is really important. Don’t let your La Vida Loca get lost in the shuffle—schedule it in too!

Calling All Single Moms

I am working on a new resource for single moms who are wanting to get back into the dating scene or who are already trying to date and not getting the results they want.

 Believe me I have been there. After my divorce from my kid’s father, I went online and posted a profile on an internet dating site. I couldn’t figure out how I would ever meet anyone otherwise.

Nightclubs?  Too loud to talk

Book store? Way too shy to walk up and talk to someone

Friends? No one in my circle knew anyone date worthy.

So, I bit the bullet and gave online dating a try.  I learned a lot and in time I did meet and marry the man of my dreams. We have been very happily married for four years now and still act like a couple of newly weds most days.

So, I decided to create a resource for others so that I could share what I learned, so that you can avoid some of the pitfalls on the way to meeting the man of your dreams.

And what are those dreams anyway?

Send me an email at the contact line there on the left and tell me what questions or worries or problems you are having with dating as a single mom. Everyone who posts will get an opportunity to win a free copy.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Finding the best ways to express your love

It has been a while since I wrote a blog entry. I hope you
have been well, dear readers, and I thank you for your
patience. Seems like the big life transitions got in the
way of my best laid plans. I’m just beginning to peek my
head out again with a purpose and a vision to begin to build
on my work again.

I will be writing this blog again on a regular basis
and I plan to add in some topics regarding relationships
that have not been my focus up until now. I realized that
the relationship (or lack of one!) between the adults in a
home can have as much impact on children as the relationship
between adults and children. So, there will be more
articles about maintaining and creating good relationships
coming up in addition to more about parenting.

So stay tuned!

Finding the best ways to express your love

Most of us are struggling financially these days, between
the high prices at the grocery store and the huge
fluctuations in gas prices, it can be pretty tough to make
ends meet. Still, we don’t want to short change our
holidays, especially a fun one like Valentines Day.

So I have come up with an idea that you might enjoy if
buying a box of chocolates or a dozen roses is not in the
budget this year. Actually, my guess is that many of these
ideas might actually be enjoyed more than those traditional
gifts. So whether you are thinking about a little sweetheart
or a big one, these ideas will help you pick just the right
way to show how much you care.

Find your sweetie’s love language

The first step to make sure that your gift is well received
is to figure out what love languages your sweetie prefers.
If you haven’t done this already based on a past newsletter
(hyperlink) then now is the time. This is based on the book
by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages: How to
Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. The author
describes five love languages:

* Touch
* Quality time together
* Words of Affection
* Acts of Service
* Gifts

All of these languages are lovely of course, but one or two
will be a person’s preferred love language and by using that
preference you will be able to choose the perfect gift for
the one that you love. Often, we will give others the love
language that we prefer. So noticing what your sweetie does
for you will also give you a good clue. Does he set up the
stereo system for you, pick daisies out of the yard, or give
you a nice shoulder rub? That might be a clue that he likes
Acts of service, gifts, or touch as his love languages.

So go find out which are your sweeties top two love
languages, then refer to this list for ideas for each type:

Touch

Coupons for foot, shoulder, or full body massages (by you of
course)
An expensive stuffed animal with extra soft fur
How about a book or DVD on massage for couples with lots of
exercises to try together?

Quality Time Together

For little sweeties plan some one on one time doing an
activity of their choice. Write the plan in a card and you
are good to go.

For big sweeties, arrange for grandma to take the kids for
the afternoon or even the weekend if that is possible, and
then plan to just hang out together doing things that you
and your sweetie enjoy doing together. Really focus all your
attention on your sweetie. Write out your planned
arrangements in a card you make or buy, then enjoy!

Words of Affection

Words can be delivered in a number of ways so get creative
and use several methods
Write a poem or a letter detailing your love
Record yourself expressing your love and deliver it as an
MP3 file or on a tape or CD
Film yourself on video expressing your love
If all of that is too nerve wracking, then find a card that
aptly expresses your feelings and underline and add notes to
it.

Note: None of this needs to be long or flowery unless that
is your style. Just be your genuine self and speak from
your heart.

Acts Of Service

Do something to make your sweetie’s life a little bit
easier. It could be making a favorite meal or treat, taking
over a hated chore for a specific period of time, or giving
them a coupon for one act of service “to be named by the
sweetie.”

Gifts

Think back to times when you have given a gift that was a
big hit. Now, don’t go and do exactly the same thing–yep,
boring. Think about what made that gift the hit that it
was. Was it something your sweetie admired in a store and
you remembered and went to pick it up later? Was it
something that you noticed your sweetie needs? Maybe it’s
something that will help your sweetie remember how much you
really care. Remember, it doesn’t have to be big and
extravagant to be appreciated. It does need to show that you
spent some time thinking and appreciating before you plunked
down that dough.

My friend’s husband once bought his wife a vacuum cleaner
for a gift. Many of you are out there groaning and believe
me I would be also, but this was the perfect gift for my
friend. She had admired it several times and expressed that
she would like to buy it “someday.” She also got the added
bonus of being able to tell everyone that her Valentines
Gift really sucked! Believe me that man was a hero that day.

Okay, now forward this off to your sweetie so that you can
get what you really want too!

 If you have any other great ideas for a love language based gift please post a comment, I’d love to hear what else you come up with!