Social Skills: The Right Time and the Right Audience

I was talking to my husband about today’s newsletter topic and I explained to him that children who struggle with social skills often don’t understand that some behaviors are okay with some people and at some times, but not okay with other people or at other times. For example, arm farts are really funny and very acceptable when you are with your other 3rd grade friends on the playground or hanging around outside at home, but those same very funny arm farts will get you a trip to the principals office if you do it in the classroom or a time out if you do it at Grandma’s house.

“Aaah.” Said my husband with that dreamy look in his eye that tells me that he is remembering his own past arm fart fun.” Suddenly he said, “So how do you teach that?” “Well,” I said off handedly, “You just talk about it. Most of the time we just tell them to knock it off and that’s it. We assume that they know that this is not the right time. In fact, most of the time they must get pretty confused because they really don’t understand when it is okay and when it is not.”

I didn’t think anymore about it that day, but the next day my husband happily told me a story about putting this little idea on the road.

We were at an art fair with our extended family. My dad’s hip was bothering him, so I walked him back to the car and my son was tagging along. When we arrived my husband was already at the car, so he took both of them back to the house. My typically stoic dad was telling my husband about how much pain he is in when my son pipes up from the backseat, “Oh yeah, you think that’s bad, you should have felt how much pain, I was in last week!”

My husband immediately recognized that my son was acting in an inappropriate manner—some would even say that he lacked empathy—but rather than just tell him to “Knock it off.” He explained to my son that talking like that would be okay with his buddies.

(Imagine for a moment: a group of boys standing in a circle comparing war wounds. “Oh yeah, when I cut my arm it bled for an hour!” “Oh yeah, when I broke my arm the bone was sticking out!” “Oh yeah. . .”)

My husband also explained that this is not an appropriate way to talk to Grandpa when he is in pain. My husband said that he saw that little light bulb go off over my son’s head that day. The other added benefit was that this conversation also helped my dad to better understand my son’s social skills challenges.

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Advantage Day Camp – Aug 24th – 28th in Hillsboro, OR.

Does your child sometimes behave in ways that are not appropriate to the situation at hand? This is an area where additional social skills help can make a huge difference.

If your child is going into 2nd through 6th grade and has social skills challenges, then Advantage Day Camp was especially designed for you. Day camp will provide a ratio of one highly skilled leader for each two children. We will be teaching skills like:

• Flexibility
• Collaboration
• Communication skills
• Impulse control

All while having fun playing games, getting into nature, and exploring our creativity.

You may notice that I left the Early Bird discount up even though that is long past. It was 105 degrees that week! Who could think about anything, but a nice, cool lemonade in that weather?

So, not to worry, I would like to help as many children as I can with this program before school starts again, so if this sounds like a good fit, then please don’t hesitate. I will be closing registration this Friday, August 14th at midnight, so that I can concentrate on preparations.

Fill out the form at the bottom of the webpage, and I will be happy to contact you at your convenience or feel free to contact me at 503-459-2073.

Three Keys to Better Social Skills

True story

We are standing in line at the grocery store. There is a fairly large, attractive black woman standing in front of us in the line. My beloved boy takes one look and says, “Oh. My. God. Look at how HUGE that woman’s. . .” I put my hand firmly on his mouth at that point! Oy! I was so embarrassed! I must have turned six shades of purple. I explained to him for the 876,000th time that we don’t talk about other people’s body parts. I have a dream that some day he will actually understand, but that is still a work in progress.

I think most every parent at one time or another has been embarrassed by something your child did in public. If your child struggles more than others with a deficit in social skills like mine, then this may be an everyday experience. I think it can be easy to get used to our children’s quirks at home, but out in the world that brutal honesty might get him a dirty look or worse a punch in the nose, that constant chatter about her special interest might get her shunned by peers, and that bossy attitude might land him in the Principal’s office—again.

Why does he do this stuff anyway?

Sure a diagnosis of ADHD, high functioning autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, etc. explains that there is a social skills deficit, but is it possible to teach something that most people learn intuitively?

The answer is yes!

Social skills can be taught just like any other set of skills since they don’t come naturally, each skill must be specifically taught, and not only how to do a skill, but when and why need to taught as well. Here are three keys to beginning to help your child improve his or her social skills.

Three Keys to Better Social Skills

1. Self Awareness – Helping your child to become more aware of how he or she looks to other people. You can do this by becoming a mirror for your child. You can do this as a game or by using a video camera to build awareness of how he is perceived

2. Other Awareness – stop the action on his or her favorite video and ask how a particular character might be feeling inside right now or what reasons they might have for how they are acting right now.

3. Situational Awareness – When you notice a particular social challenge arising within your family, stop the action and start a discussion about what is happening at that moment. For example, if your child is going on and on about his special interest, but the other family members are no longer listening. Stop the action and ask your child to notice the people around him right now. How are they holding their bodies, what expression is on their face, etc.

By building awareness, your child will begin the process of noticing and thinking about how he or she feels as well as other people.

I would love to hear what challenges and successes you have.

Calling All Single Moms

I am working on a new resource for single moms who are wanting to get back into the dating scene or who are already trying to date and not getting the results they want.

 Believe me I have been there. After my divorce from my kid’s father, I went online and posted a profile on an internet dating site. I couldn’t figure out how I would ever meet anyone otherwise.

Nightclubs?  Too loud to talk

Book store? Way too shy to walk up and talk to someone

Friends? No one in my circle knew anyone date worthy.

So, I bit the bullet and gave online dating a try.  I learned a lot and in time I did meet and marry the man of my dreams. We have been very happily married for four years now and still act like a couple of newly weds most days.

So, I decided to create a resource for others so that I could share what I learned, so that you can avoid some of the pitfalls on the way to meeting the man of your dreams.

And what are those dreams anyway?

Send me an email at the contact line there on the left and tell me what questions or worries or problems you are having with dating as a single mom. Everyone who posts will get an opportunity to win a free copy.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Have a cookie!

I just read an interesting blog entry from my dear friend, Anne Cuthbert. Anne is a counselor here in Portland specializing in eating disorders. She wrote a blog recently about how to help your kids avoid the risk factors for an eating disorder. Check out the article and send her a comment if you have any questions.

 I recognized many of this from my own childhood and some of you may notice the same thing. We don’t require anybody clean their plate at our house, but both my husband and I have trouble remembering for ourselves. Those habits get so deeply ingrained when we are little. 

Did you have to clean your plate?

Internet Safety: Tips for your computer savvy kid

It’s Summer time so that means more time outside in the sun
hopefully, but for many kids it also means more time in
front of the computer screen.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the internet and all
the very cool internet sites that allow us to keep in touch
with friends from all over the globe as well as research
history or the latest gadget. What did I ever do before I
could look up just about anything at all on Wikipedia?

For kids, there are many great sites for gaming, social
networking, and sharing video which are really fun and even
educational. The problem is that sometimes kids don’t
remember that this online world is not actually private and
is in fact more like sitting on a street corner–a busy
street corner at that.

This lack of understanding can create problems if kids (or
adults for that matter) don’t take steps to protect their
online privacy. The worst case being the recent suicide by a
teen who had been the victim of a cyber bully, and there are
always stories about others who are lured by pedofiles into
a “in real life” meeting. Obviously, these are extreme
cases, but they have a message for all of us.

Basic Internet Safety

One of the most important rules is:

***Keep the computer in a public place in the house***

Yep, the computer needs to be in the family room or kitchen,
not in a bedroom. This more than anything else will help to
remind kids that they are “in public.” Peek over their
shoulder once in a while and see what they are working on.
Ask them questions and let them explain about the sites they
are frequenting and the people who are there.

***Let them know that the computer will be monitored***

In our house, kids on the computer do not have privacy. I
check their history periodically to verify they are not
looking at sites that I find objectionable. If you are
checking history and notice that the history is gone or
there is a chunk missing, then that is cause to immediately
remove computer privileges. It takes a pretty savvy kid to
remove history, but it is not impossible.

Supervision as always is the key.

***Kids should never use real information in profiles***

Social networking sites like MySpace, Gaia Online, or even
Neopets allow kids from all over the world to communicate
with each other. Kids writing to each other–how cool is
that? Problem is that there are weirdos out there too, and
there’s no way to be sure who is really a kid.

One way to protect your child to make sure that in their
public profiles on these sites that they do not use their
real name, picture, school, or even town. No real life
demographic information should be available and should not
be given out to anyone who asks.

Anyone who pushes for information. “What school do you go
to?” “What city do you live in” Is obviously suspect and
should be immediately blocked and the site should be
notified. This may sound harsh as the other person could be
another kid, but I really believe that its better to be safe
than sorry.

My daughter and her friends (in real life) had been
befriended by someone on the Gaia Online website. They use
this site to send private messages to each other and to
write stories together (what they call RPing or Role
Playing) This person had started out fine joining in on
their stories, etc, but things started to get weird when he
sent my daughter some sexually explicit messages. She got so
upset that she accidentally printed it out, and I saw the
print out. You can guess what happened next.

***How to handle removing computer privileges***

Depending on how computer savvy you are this can be a bit
tricky.  The easiest thing to do is to change the passwords
on the computer as well as the sites that they use.  There
are kids who would be able to get around that however. If
that is the case, and you are not home to supervise, then
take the modem with you. This effectively removes their
ability to connect to the internet completely.

Kids should never have administrator rights to a computer so
that you can always have access to change their passwords,
and so that they cannot create new user accounts that you
are not monitoring. One kid I knew created an account just
so that he could look at porn without having his history
show up in his main user account. Unfortunately, for him he
was not aware of how hard it is to completely remove porn
site information, and I was able to help his mom to find all
the evidence she needed. She took the modem to work after
that. . .

***Talk to your kids about your values***

I feel like a broken record (scratched CD?) but this is so
important! Kids don’t just automatically absorb our beliefs.
We have to actually teach them, discuss them and, yes,
repeat them over and over.

Your kids should know your values by watching how you live,
but also talking about why you feel the way you do and also
what the limits are around those feelings is really
important also. So how do you feel about drugs? What about
smoking? What about porn? These are all important topics for
parents and kids to think about and learn about whether its
on the internet or off.

——————————–
Calm the Chaos Parent Coaching
——————————–

***Are you struggling with Chaos at Home?***

Summer is here.

For some families that means life will be simpler and
easier, but for others it means playing referee between
siblings, extra supervision to keep active bodies out of
trouble, and struggling with shifting sleep schedules. Or
maybe its the new school year that has you feeling stressed?

Now is a great time to really work on those issues that have
been keeping you from having the healthy and fun family life
you have been wanting.

http://www.counselingformoms.com/parentcoaching.htm

Then give me a call at 503-459-2073 and let’s get you
started today!

Want to recieve these messages in your email box? Sign up for the newletter here:

http://www.counselingformoms.com/signup.htm
—————————————-
Calm the Chaos Newsletter
This Newsletter is copyright (c)2007 Karen DeBolt,
all rights reserved.

You may freely reprint in any newsletter, web site, or
print journal. Please send me a copy and
include the following attribution:

“Calm the Chaos Newsletter article (c)2008
Karen DeBolt, MA. All Rights Reserved.
Reprinted with permission.
Helping families struggling with Chaos at home to
have happy, successful children.
Sign up for the newsletter at
http://www.counselingformoms.com and receive a
copy of the free report, ‘Conquering Bad Behavior
Without Stress.’”

I send out an extra email now and then detailing
programs and offers.

Stinky is in the nose of the beholder

Oh Daddy! Daddy! Look Daddy!

She was five years old or so and doing that joyful galloping dance that five year olds do when they are too excited to contain it. “The train Daddy!” She sang out.  I almost burst out laughing.  I had just been ruminating on how much I was dreading getting on the train.

Oh intellectually, I completely love the train too. Cars are off the roads. I can write blog entries instead of driving. I don’t have to stress about finding and paying for parking. The train is GREAT!  It’s really the people on the train who are the problem. . .

Unfortunately for me, I am super sensitive to fragrances.  I literally feel nauseous when I smell cologne, hair spray, or worst of all body powder.  There are people in this world who like to wear all three of these at once, then get on the train and sit next to ME! UGH!  I know most of you would find that more pleasant than some stinky guy who didn’t take a shower, but give me the stinky guy any day!

So until someone creates a nose plug that blocks scents while allowing breathe, I think I’ll just have to work on my attitude and try to borrow some of that enthusiasm from my little five year old friend.

An Open Letter to a Pregnant Friend

One of my best friend’s is pregnant with her first child. It is an exciting time for her and her husband. I thought about what advice I would like to give about those first months of parent hood. Here’s a few things that I came up with:

1.  You will be completely shocked by how much you will love this new little one. You think you understand love now—trust me—you don’t!

2.  You may have plans after the birth like returning to work right away or maybe being a stay at home mom that cans preserves and bakes fresh bread everyday.  Whatever plans you make, expect the unexpected.  You will need more time to recover than you know and that tiny little thing will take up more time and energy than you ever could imagine.

It’s okay!  Just be a mom for a while and let those other dreams come a bit later when you are actually getting enough sleep.

3.  All focus is on you the mom during your pregnancy. All focus will be on the baby when she’s born. Dad gets the short shrift. Make sure to give him time to bond with baby. If he’s working full time and you are taking on most of the childcare duties, then expect that he will need some time to learn all those things that have become second nature to you.  He hasn’t been able to get in as much practice as you have.

Check out a new book by Hogan Hilling called “The Modern Moms Guide to Dads”. Hilling has been giving New Father Workshops in Southern California Hospitals and has spoken to hundreds of dads. This is super valuable information for moms, but I’m thinking that dad will get a lot from it as well.
 (Hmmm, maybe I’ll get it for you both for a shower gift?)

4.  Don’t forget each other! Yes, prioritizing your marriage may seem obvious, but you will be some what overwhelmed (see #2) and it’s so easy to get focused on that little bundle (see #1) and forget to focus on each other. Go on a date alone together. A happy marriage makes for happier kids as well as happier parents.

Okay, I guess that’s enough unsolicited advice for now. When I come up with more, I will be sure to post it! 

Big hugs to you both!

A commercial free childhood?

What a concept! Recently I found Rae Pica’s Blog where she evangelizes about the need for children to play for proper development–a concept I agree with wholeheartedly.  Her latest entry is about an organization called The Campaign For a Commerical Free Childhood.  Apparently, they are an advocacy group fighting for the rights of children to not be constantly subjected to commericals whether it be television, popular websites like Webkinz, and even report cards (McDonald’s on report cards!!!) 

 God knows, I saw plenty of commercials when I was a kid.  My husband and I will wax nostalagic over the Oscar Meyer Wiener Song or the Oreo Jingle, but that was nothing compared to the number of commercials kids have to deal with today.  The quantity seems to have multiplied over and over. Not only does it seem like there are more commercials in between tv programs, but there are ‘product placements’ within the programs themselves.  When you add in websites, programs at school sponsored by commercial interests, and who knows what they will think of next, it gets to be overwhelming.

So what is a parent to do?

My solution is to instill a healthy skepticism in my children.  When we watched tv together, I would question the ridiculous claims of the commericals with my kids. Pretty soon this became a habit, and they would do it without me starting it.

The added benefit is that they are asking questions about all kinds of things now rather than just taking it at face value.  I’m thinking its a good thing.  We have also had the cable tv removed from the house for the last six months, so that has drastically reduced the amount of commercials we are exposed to as well.

Do you feel that commercials are having a negative effect on your kids?

Whew! Pan to burner

The holidays really took over around here. What with having two sets of company, hosting all the big meals, and last minute shopping, I’m pooped! 

Unfortunately, about the time that Christmas was over my mother went into the hospital.  Mom was definitely not doing well at Christmas. She has been frail for quite a while now and periodically goes in for blood transfusions. “I understand how vampires feel now!” she says.  After the transfusion, she would perk up for several months, but recently those several months have turned into several weeks instead. 

It had only been about a month since she had her last batch, and they gave her three units instead of the usual two. They also discovered that her potassium levels were off the charts and her kidneys were in big trouble too.

No wonder she didn’t feel well at Christmas! Yikes!

Mom has always said she doesn’t want to be one of those “old biddies who complains about their health all the time.” The problem with that is that we often don’t know what is going on until it’s really bad. Its’ not that she is trying to be a martyr at all. She just doesn’t want to “bother me.”

Oy! I’ve told her now to please bother me that I would rather know than not know, but old habits die hard.  She knew for months that her Leukemia had gone out of remission after 30 years (yep, you read that right–30 years!) before she finally told me about it.  I was 8 years old again for a few minutes.  Maybe that is what she hoped to avoid. My emotional reaction.

Such is life in my family. We are so busy “being nice” that sometimes we forget to have our feelings.  I’m working to change that dynamic everyday, but its always a struggle.  Say a little prayer for mom (or whatever you do) and spend some time thinking about your own family dynamics today. What do you wish you could change? I’d love to hear about it!

No Privacy

Doula Mel over at the Bosombuddies blog wrote wondering about whether she should check on her eleven year old son’s cellphone text messaging with a girl and whether she should let him know that she would be checking.

Here at our house, we have a hard and fast rule that there is NO privacy when it comes to the internet.  I think the same rule applies to cellphones. My oldest has been caught already in a textual conversation which curled my hair. After calling our local police department, I locked down her computer for a week, then proceeded to give her and a couple of her friends a lecture on the dangers of the internet. The more I looked into their doings the more I realized that a determined predator would have no problem at all knowing all sorts of things about them just from their use of an online social networking site. I also showed them some videos on the NetSmartz website which scared them a bit.

So, they have no privacy and they know they have no privacy.  I feel okay about this, and several times I have heard one or the other of my kids telling their friends to “cool it, my mom reads this stuff.”  It gives them an easy way to stop uncomfortable conversations since they can just put it all on me.  I’m really okay with that.

So how much privacy do you allow your kids to have?