Social Skills: Harder to do at the speed of life

 I have been very busy doing social skills assessments this summer, and I am learning so much! The assessment that I’m using is a modified version of the one detailed in Michelle Garcia Winner’s book “Thinking about you thinking about me. 2^nd edition” The assessment covers skills such as the ability to: 

1. ask for help
2. manage mild frustration.
3. read social situations from photos
4. sequence events to tell a story
5. understand the main idea of a story
6. maintain appropriate eye contact
7. answer questions fully and on topic
8. make inferences about relationships observed
9. do the social fake (i.e. seem interested when you really are not)
10. show curiosity by asking questions of another person
11. understand the concept that where someone is looking gives us clues as to what they are thinking about.

 Every child that I assessed so far was able to do somethings well and struggled with others. Some kids appeared to be able to do most of the activities well, but their parents stated that they were not able to read social cues well at all. When I was able to observe these children at camp, I found that they were not able to to do this in real time even though they did well during the assessment. This really drove home the importance of observation in a natural setting. Social situations happen so fast that a child who struggles may completely miss something if there is a lot of input going on all at once.

 For example, if a child is telling the same story for the fifth or sixth time and another child rolls his eyes. The teller of the story may completely miss that very subtle, but meaningful, gesture especially if there is a lot of background noise, if the story is particularly engrossing to the storyteller, or if the storyteller’s eyes are roaming around rather than using appropriate eye contact. Yet this same storyteller may have been able to look at a scenario on a card and correctly read the situations in my quiet office with few distractions.

 I believe that by teaching these skills in various situations that children can begin to improve on their social skills over time even under trying, real life situations—like summer day camp! It will take patience and persistence over time, but I believe that it is so worth it.

Explorer’s Day Camp – See the new dates!

We still have two slots available for day  camp for 5 to 6 year old children.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to cancel our original dates and rescheduled it for the very end of summer. This is a great opportunity to get your little ones some basic social skills in time for school to start again. All the details are on the website . Check it out then fill out the form at the bottom, and I’ll call you to set up the assessment.

Help! My Kid Won’t Turn In His Homework!

I recently got a comment on my blog from a mom who is exhausted and requested some help for her son. First of all let me say how excited I got to get this comment from a reader! Please if you have any questions along these lines, please feel free to email them or post them as a comment on my blog and I will be happy to answer them on the blog, in the newsletter or by email. I am honored that you trusted me enough to write.

Here is the message:

“At almost 12 y.o (in July), my son still needs too much input from me to get anything done. He has trouble keeping track of his schedule: when he has tests and other school related due dates. Remembering to put on deodorant, losing assignments just between home and school. It is getting exhausting and I am running out of ideas.”

This particular question is one that I hear frequently at our ADHD parent support group I would say the seeming inability to turn in homework or remember to put on deodorant should be listed in the DSM V under the features of ADHD because it is so common amongst the children of the parents who attend our meetings.Anyway, the good news is that he will probably be able to remember his deodorant and keep track of his work assignments when he is 40 years old. The trick is getting from here to there without losing it yourself.

Many of our children don’t mature at the same speed as their peers. They need more specific training and repetition than other children in order to be successful—not because they are stupid or not capable or trying to drive you crazy, but because the way that his brain is wired is not conducive to those organizational tasks that seem so easy to us.

Working with your child’s neurology

So helping your child to set up a system of organization the works with the way his brain works is going to go a long way towards future success. For example, your child is likely a visual person, so out of sight out of mind is the literal truth. So, setting up a visual reminders is going to really make a difference in whether he remembers or not.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

For example, to help with remembering to turn in homework, set up a class binder with a clear sleeve in the front which will be where the homework goes. When your child arrives at his class and takes out his notebook, the home work will be there sitting in clear sight in the clear sleeve as a reminder to turn it in. The sleeve will keep the homework contained in one place. So, hopefully it won’t get jammed into the bottom of the backpack or the back of the locker never to be seen again. The trick is to teach him that the homework is not done until it is in the clear sleeve! If you are already rewarding your child at home for completing homework adding this step into the requirements will help to cement it as a habit.

I would recommend a similar system for his deodorant. By storing the deodorant in a place that he never forgets to look, it will serve as a reminder to be used. For example, don’t put it away in a drawer or cabinet. Again, out of sight is out of mind. Put it on top of a dresser or on the bathroom counter where it is in plain sight for him to use. Rewarding him for remembering will help it to become a habit over time.

Taking Care Of You

By teaching your child how to work with his own neurology, you will be able to help him to learn to be more independent over time. You may find that it takes your child longer to learn these skills and with more repetition. This is why is it so critical that you make sure to do your own self care so that you don’t get so exhausted. Sometimes I think just knowing that, “This too shall Pass,” helps to keep us going even when we are beyond exhausted. Also, getting support from other parents can be very helpful. Finding a local support group can help you to know that you are not alone and that there is hope that one day your child will remember to turn in his homework and use his deodorant every day.

Defiance: What causes it and what to do about it.

 Videogame versus Homework

So, 10 year old John is sitting in front of the video game as usual. He’s making those frustrated sounds he makes when things are not going his way in the game. Mom realizes that it’s time for him to start his homework, so she says, “Hey, time to start your homework.”

Mom hears no response. It is as though she never said a word. So, she says, louder this time, “Homework time! Save your game.” This time he says “Wait a minute! I can’t stop now until I beat this boss, mom!”

Mom is reasonable so she says, “Okay five minutes, then you need to come do homework.” He says with some attitude “Whatever!” Now mom is starting to lose her patience. “Hey, I said five minutes. No attitude or the game goes off now!” He is silent this time.

In five minutes or maybe more if mom got distracted doing something else, she goes back to see that he is still playing, and now he is obviously doing something else—in other words he’s finished with the boss and is now doing something else. This time Mom says quite loudly lest he doesn’t “hear” her again. “John Michael turn that off now! Right this minute young man!” He says “No! Mom you are so mean all the time! Why are you yelling at me?”

By this time, mom has completely lost her own temper. . . Eventually, the video game is turned off and the homework gets done, but mom is angry, John is angry, and mom is wondering what the heck is wrong that she can’t get her child to do anything without have a battle royale.

What the heck?

There are some very specific reasons why some children are more likely to be defiant than others. These things have very little to do with a specific diagnosis although there are a few that seem to pop up frequently—ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Mood Disorders, but there are plenty of kids who would not fit a particular diagnostic category yet are extremely hard to parent due to almost constant defiance. These particular challenges involve a set of skills called Executive Functions which are delayed or completely missing.

Executive Functions

Executive Functions are a series of skills that help a person to organize their lives. This includes things like time management, prioritizing tasks, organizing, transitions, and impulse control. So what do these skills have to do with your child being defiant? Basically, if a task is needing one or more of these skills then that task is going to be more challenging for your child which may cause him to refuse rather than make the huge effort necessary to accomplish this task that seems easy to you and me.

Let’s go back to our video gamer who is refusing to do his homework. There are several Executive Functions in play here.

Time management – John doesn’t realize how long 5 minutes is, and he may be under estimating how long it will take to do his homework so he doesn’t understand his mom’s urgency.
Prioritization – John doesn’t prioritize his mother’s feelings, his homework, and his winning of the game he is playing in a way that works well for his life. The game will be there the next day and the day after that, but the homework is due tomorrow.
Transitions – John has a very hard time transitioning from a very pleasurable activity to a not so pleasurable activity like homework.
Impulse Control – John allowed himself to say to his mom “Whatever!” when she made a request of him. Most people have thoughts like these all the time, but John has a hard time not saying them out loud. It’s like a filter is missing.

All of these functions are necessary just to get from game play to homework. Actually, completing homework takes all of these and even more!

So how do I help my child?

While these challenges may be life long, it is possible with some specific interventions to help children to learn ways to cope with their challenges so that they are not so difficult. In the above example here are some ways that mom could have set things up differently that would have made things quite a bit easier.

• Rather than call out from another room – go and touch him on the shoulder, use his name and in a calm voice say exactly what you expect him to do and when. For example, “John, I want you to finish with this boss, then turn off your game and come to the table to start homework.”
• Using a timer – by using a timer, your child doesn’t need any reminders from you—when the alarm goes off that’s it. It takes you out of the loop and puts the control back on him.
• When he begins to move in the right direction, then use a specific praise statement to acknowledge that he is doing what you asked him to do. “John! You turned off your game! Way to go! (Give a high five)
• If this is still not completely resolving the problem, then have a heart to heart discussion when you are both calm about your concerns and encourage him to talk to you about his concerns, and then see if you can come to an agreement. “John, I expected you to do A, B, and C, but that did not happen. What’s up with that?”

Staying calm

The hardest part, but one of the most important parts is to remain calm. Remember that your child is doing his best right now even if that best is not what you would hope for at this point. By remaining calm, you will send a message to your child that you are in control, that you care about him, and most importantly you will be creating a better relationship with your child.

Breathing the Magic Bullet

Self Esteem: The Real Deal

There’s been a myriad of articles and even whole books written regarding the importance of self-esteem, how to build self-esteem, and whether there is really such a thing as self esteem. It can be quite confusing for a parent who is concerned about raising a child into a health and well adjusted adult.

Dictionary.com defines Self Esteem as:

1.a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
2.an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.

And they report that the word originates from Phrenology—the study of analyzing the bumps on a person’s head to discover various attributes about that person.

Yikes, no wonder Self Esteem seems to have so much baggage attached to it. It means both a realistic as well as exaggerated favorable impression of oneself? How can that be? (sigh)

So, for this reason I tend to shy away from using this word at all. I will use Self Confidence instead often, but the bottom line is that we all want our kids to have a realistic idea about what a great kid they are. I believe that by having that special knowledge your child will be more self confident as they move through the world.

So, how can you help your child to have a realistic idea about him or herself? Here are some ideas:

1.Encourage a variety of adventures. Allow your child to try to do as many different activities as they have interest in trying plus a few that they are not so sure about. Some easy things in addition to very challenging things will give your child a chance to shine.

2.Praise your child specifically. You have heard me talk about this in my free report. This is not empty compliments or general “good job” comments, but praising specific things that your child is doing in the moment. If you need that report again, just hit reply and let me know you need it again, and I’ll send it over immediately.

3.Allow your child to fail. Failure is more important than success in building self esteem. The child who learns to manage their frustration and can get up to try again is building self confidence and self esteem. It’s the hard fought victories that build character.

4.Encourage effort not outcomes. Using specific praise to acknowledge the effort your child is putting into a project is much more valuable than that prize that may or may not ever get earned. Persistence is one of the key qualities in success in life—notice it and comment on it.

I hope this shines a little light on the subject of how to build self-esteem in your children. I welcome your comments or questions

Social Skills: The Right Time and the Right Audience

I was talking to my husband about today’s newsletter topic and I explained to him that children who struggle with social skills often don’t understand that some behaviors are okay with some people and at some times, but not okay with other people or at other times. For example, arm farts are really funny and very acceptable when you are with your other 3rd grade friends on the playground or hanging around outside at home, but those same very funny arm farts will get you a trip to the principals office if you do it in the classroom or a time out if you do it at Grandma’s house.

“Aaah.” Said my husband with that dreamy look in his eye that tells me that he is remembering his own past arm fart fun.” Suddenly he said, “So how do you teach that?” “Well,” I said off handedly, “You just talk about it. Most of the time we just tell them to knock it off and that’s it. We assume that they know that this is not the right time. In fact, most of the time they must get pretty confused because they really don’t understand when it is okay and when it is not.”

I didn’t think anymore about it that day, but the next day my husband happily told me a story about putting this little idea on the road.

We were at an art fair with our extended family. My dad’s hip was bothering him, so I walked him back to the car and my son was tagging along. When we arrived my husband was already at the car, so he took both of them back to the house. My typically stoic dad was telling my husband about how much pain he is in when my son pipes up from the backseat, “Oh yeah, you think that’s bad, you should have felt how much pain, I was in last week!”

My husband immediately recognized that my son was acting in an inappropriate manner—some would even say that he lacked empathy—but rather than just tell him to “Knock it off.” He explained to my son that talking like that would be okay with his buddies.

(Imagine for a moment: a group of boys standing in a circle comparing war wounds. “Oh yeah, when I cut my arm it bled for an hour!” “Oh yeah, when I broke my arm the bone was sticking out!” “Oh yeah. . .”)

My husband also explained that this is not an appropriate way to talk to Grandpa when he is in pain. My husband said that he saw that little light bulb go off over my son’s head that day. The other added benefit was that this conversation also helped my dad to better understand my son’s social skills challenges.

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Advantage Day Camp – Aug 24th – 28th in Hillsboro, OR.

Does your child sometimes behave in ways that are not appropriate to the situation at hand? This is an area where additional social skills help can make a huge difference.

If your child is going into 2nd through 6th grade and has social skills challenges, then Advantage Day Camp was especially designed for you. Day camp will provide a ratio of one highly skilled leader for each two children. We will be teaching skills like:

• Flexibility
• Collaboration
• Communication skills
• Impulse control

All while having fun playing games, getting into nature, and exploring our creativity.

You may notice that I left the Early Bird discount up even though that is long past. It was 105 degrees that week! Who could think about anything, but a nice, cool lemonade in that weather?

So, not to worry, I would like to help as many children as I can with this program before school starts again, so if this sounds like a good fit, then please don’t hesitate. I will be closing registration this Friday, August 14th at midnight, so that I can concentrate on preparations.

Fill out the form at the bottom of the webpage, and I will be happy to contact you at your convenience or feel free to contact me at 503-459-2073.

Three Keys to Better Social Skills

True story

We are standing in line at the grocery store. There is a fairly large, attractive black woman standing in front of us in the line. My beloved boy takes one look and says, “Oh. My. God. Look at how HUGE that woman’s. . .” I put my hand firmly on his mouth at that point! Oy! I was so embarrassed! I must have turned six shades of purple. I explained to him for the 876,000th time that we don’t talk about other people’s body parts. I have a dream that some day he will actually understand, but that is still a work in progress.

I think most every parent at one time or another has been embarrassed by something your child did in public. If your child struggles more than others with a deficit in social skills like mine, then this may be an everyday experience. I think it can be easy to get used to our children’s quirks at home, but out in the world that brutal honesty might get him a dirty look or worse a punch in the nose, that constant chatter about her special interest might get her shunned by peers, and that bossy attitude might land him in the Principal’s office—again.

Why does he do this stuff anyway?

Sure a diagnosis of ADHD, high functioning autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, etc. explains that there is a social skills deficit, but is it possible to teach something that most people learn intuitively?

The answer is yes!

Social skills can be taught just like any other set of skills since they don’t come naturally, each skill must be specifically taught, and not only how to do a skill, but when and why need to taught as well. Here are three keys to beginning to help your child improve his or her social skills.

Three Keys to Better Social Skills

1. Self Awareness – Helping your child to become more aware of how he or she looks to other people. You can do this by becoming a mirror for your child. You can do this as a game or by using a video camera to build awareness of how he is perceived

2. Other Awareness – stop the action on his or her favorite video and ask how a particular character might be feeling inside right now or what reasons they might have for how they are acting right now.

3. Situational Awareness – When you notice a particular social challenge arising within your family, stop the action and start a discussion about what is happening at that moment. For example, if your child is going on and on about his special interest, but the other family members are no longer listening. Stop the action and ask your child to notice the people around him right now. How are they holding their bodies, what expression is on their face, etc.

By building awareness, your child will begin the process of noticing and thinking about how he or she feels as well as other people.

I would love to hear what challenges and successes you have.

Social Skills: Collaborative Problem solving

We have been really busy preparing for Advantage Day Camp later this summer and planning for some after school social skills groups during the Fall. Stay tuned for more on that program soon as we get it planned.

If you have any questions, feel free to fill out the form on the page or even give me a call at 503-459-2073

All the best, Karen

 Social Skills: Collaborative Problem solving

He made me do it!

There’s a battle going on and by the time you get to the next room something is broken and two kids are angry. After a bit of detective work you figure out who did what. The problem is that the usual suspect is blaming bis brother for his own bad behavior. . .again!

He made me do it!
He made me mad!

Sigh. . .

So, you worry about whether he is going to end up a hardened criminal always blaming someone else for his problems and never taking responsibility.

Why does my child do that?

The truth is that often when a child is in an emotionally charged state whether it is a happy, sad or angry his ability to problem solve will go out the window. You can subtract 3 to 6 years off of his age instantly. (for some children even more!)

Suddenly your very smart 9 year old is throwing a toy across the room because he is angry that his brother touched his special model. He will be convinced in the heat of that moment that his brother is the problem so he will react rather than logically realize that his behavior is going to get him into trouble. If he would have come to you for help first, then his brother would have been the one in trouble and not him.

So What now?

During the heat of the moment is not the time to work on this skill. Once the strong emotions are flying around there is very little ability to reason or learn, so save your breath and separate the two parties to calm down before you intervene or better yet try to intervene before things escalate this far.

The Pre-emptive Strike

The key is to try to intervene before the melt down is in full gear. Obviously, you will not be able to do this all the time, but when you can it can be a highly effective way to help your chil to learn how to problem solve before trouble strikes.

Here’s the steps:

1. Stop the action – “Whoa, hold on a minute, let’s talk about what’s happening right now.”
2. Help the parties to describe their concerns. “Okay, one at time. Joey tell me your side first and Johnny will get a turn in a minute.”
3. Ask clarifying questions and help him to restate his position as a concern and not as a solution. “Joey needs to share with me!” is a solution. The concern might be “I would like to play with the toy too!”
4. Then put both concerns on the table and ask both parties to come up with a solution that addresses both concerns. “So Joey wants to play with the toy, and Johnny is worried that Joey will break it and not put it away when he is done playing with it. What can we do here?”

Children are fairly self focused beings, so don’t expect your children to be able to do this perfectly the first time. But with some coaching from you, your children will be able to come up with some very creative ideas to address their concerns as well as your concern that they not beat each other to a pulp or trash the house when they disagree.

Give it a try and let me know how it went!

Advantage Day Camp: Building social skills through play

While Advantage Camp is designed to help your child build the skills that he or she needs to be successful in school and in life, the extra added bonus is that you may be able to take some time to nurture yourself while your child is having fun with us.

There are only five spaces left for day camp! Remember there is a $50 discount if you sign up before July 31st, so don’t delay as we will be filling up!

If your child struggles to make friends, gets in trouble
at school and home, and is starting to feel bad about him or herself then maybe it is time to address the problems and help your child to start building skills that will help the next school year be the best yet.

Advantage Day Camp builds skills that help your child to:

* Make and keep friends
* Control impulses that get them into trouble
* Feel good about who they are and what they have to offer
* Have FUN!!!

There is limited space available so if you are interested at all please check out the website at:

http://www.counselingformoms.com/daycamp.htm

Setting expectations for success

When I was about 10 years old, my mother handed me a can of comet and told me to clean the bathroom. Well, she never actually told me how to clean, but somehow she thought that I already knew just from watching her do it. So I went in the bathroom and sprinkled comet everywhere and then used my hand to scrub out the sink and rinse as much of the blue off as I could. Needless to say, it wasn’t the most perfect job. Sure it was better, but really clean—no.

So, one time mom walked in as I just scrubbing the porcelain with my hand and realized her mistake–she had forgotten to set up some expectations about how this job was to be done.

To her credit, she didn’t yell at me for doing it wrong, she said, “Oh no wonder!” then proceeded to teach me how to clean a bathroom sink. After that, I always used a wash cloth and the sink looked great!

One way that people tell children to behave the way they want them to behave is by saying “Be nice” and they assume that children know exactly what “be nice” means, but the truth is that some children really don’t understand what that means or why “being nice” at the park is different from “being nice” at school or in church. So when little Joey gets in trouble yet again and then blames someone else yet again, his parents worry that he is willfully being disobedient because after all “He knows better.”

So, how to avoid setting your child up for trouble?

I believe in a two pronged approach. First, is to teach very specifically what your expectations are, then set a reasonable consequence if that expectation is broken. For example, sit down with a piece of paper or use a white board then do a brain storm around the two phrases “Nice” and “Not nice” for a particular place and time, then list phrases that help you child to not just define, but have examples to generalize from.

At the park

Nice

Climbing on the play structure
Running in the grass
Swinging with your bottom in the seat
Yelling to your friends
Digging in the sand

Not Nice

Hitting, pushing or kicking others
Twisting in the swing
Not allowing others to pass on the slide
Swearing or name calling
Not coming when you are called by parent
Blindfolding my friend and pushing him down the slide

You get the idea. You can have a lot of fun with this brainstorm as your child will come up with all kinds of funny ideas that you never would have dreamed about. Just write them all down and laugh along. . . . Make sure all the important considerations are there too.

Once you and your child are clear about what the expectations actually are, then help your child to set a clear consequence for when the expectation is broken. In other words, if you child pushes another child on the play structure, then what would the consequence for that be?

Keep these simple, if consequences are too complicated you will forget what they are and end up being inconsistent.

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Advantage Day Camp

At Advantage Day Camp, we brainstorm expectations right on the first day, so that our campers know what we expect of them. What we have found is that by setting those expectations very clearly, then the children are much more likely to take ownership of them which leads them to follow those rules. In other words, we do everything we can to set them up for success right from the start so that they can focus on learning new skills rather than on getting into trouble.

We help kids to build:

• Social Skills (Making and keeping friends)
• Energy Control (Staying out of trouble)
• Emotional Intelligence (Notice and talk about feelings)
• Self Esteem (Feel good about themselves again)

And the best part is that they will be learning by playing, and you will have peace of mind knowing that your child is getting a head start for school next year.

So if you want to get the advantage for your child, then please visit the web page and feel free to ask me any questions. Here’s the link:

http://www.counselingformoms.com/daycamp

Creating an environment of success

A quick note before our regularly scheduled

About two years ago, I attempted to create a Day Camp that would address the specific needs of children diagnosed with ADHD which would help them to build specific skills through play. While I got lots of people interested, not enough signed up to make it go. I realized that part of the problem was that I wasn’t doing a good job of communicating about the camp, I was being limited by the ADHD diagnosis, and I was shy about getting the word out.

Doh! No wonder no one signed up.

Well, I have gotten a ton of phone calls and emails since then asking about social skills groups. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that this is the year. I have been lucky enough to get a great staff together and that is making all the difference!

So without further adieu. . .

Announcing Advantage Day Camp

Check out all the details at:

Http://www.counselingformoms.com/daycamp.htm

If you have any questions, feel free to fill out the form on the page or contact me here.

I’m really excited about what we are putting together, and I hope
you will be too.

All the best, Karen

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog article. . .

Creating an environment of success

My son is getting ready to move up to middle school next year. This is a big deal for any child, but for someone who is already struggling with school, it is an especially stressful time. He referred to school recently as “Six hours of complete misery.” Add to that, the fact that he is starting to be aware of how he is different from other kids and what it means to have “Asperger’s Syndrome” and well. . .it’s been a tough couple of months for him and us.

One of the things that we did to help him cope with the transition is to go take a tour of the new school. We are very lucky in our district to have a special classroom for children who have high functioning autism. In the new classroom, we saw work tables with walls to block out distractions, a break room where you can take a short nap, a quiet room where you can go read quietly, and organizational areas that allow each child to know what books and materials they need for each mainstream class and to take home.

There was a lot more, but you get the idea. My son was practically in tears when he saw the quiet room and the break room because he was so happy. He often needs to take a break during the day, and here are two areas where he can go and cool out in his classroom. I thought the organizational area was a revelation because that is a huge problem for him now.

So all this got me to thinking about how environments really affect how children behave. It seems like if an environment is set up really well then it will be easier for your child to be successful. In other words, how can we adjust the physical areas of our home to better support our children doing what we would like them to do?

Ideas for improving the environment in your home:

1. Analyze the problem areas – For example, you have trouble getting your children to pick up toys and you are always stepping on little bits and pieces in the family room.

2. Assess the reason for the problem – Maybe they are not getting all the Leggos up because the pieces are so small that they tend to get caught up in the carpeting.

3. Adjust the environment – Making it easier to get those little pieces up out of carpeting will make it more likely to actually get done so. . . Try providing a small dustpan and hand brush that is to be used only on picking up toys. (I got ours at the dollar store)

This process of analyze, assess and adjust will work on all kinds of problems to help you and your children come up with better ways to cope with problems. Adjusting the environment is one of the first steps towards calming the chaos around your house.

What are some ways that you have adjusted the environment at your house? We would love to know!