Help! My Kid Won’t Turn In His Homework!

I recently got a comment on my blog from a mom who is exhausted and requested some help for her son. First of all let me say how excited I got to get this comment from a reader! Please if you have any questions along these lines, please feel free to email them or post them as a comment on my blog and I will be happy to answer them on the blog, in the newsletter or by email. I am honored that you trusted me enough to write.

Here is the message:

“At almost 12 y.o (in July), my son still needs too much input from me to get anything done. He has trouble keeping track of his schedule: when he has tests and other school related due dates. Remembering to put on deodorant, losing assignments just between home and school. It is getting exhausting and I am running out of ideas.”

This particular question is one that I hear frequently at our ADHD parent support group I would say the seeming inability to turn in homework or remember to put on deodorant should be listed in the DSM V under the features of ADHD because it is so common amongst the children of the parents who attend our meetings.Anyway, the good news is that he will probably be able to remember his deodorant and keep track of his work assignments when he is 40 years old. The trick is getting from here to there without losing it yourself.

Many of our children don’t mature at the same speed as their peers. They need more specific training and repetition than other children in order to be successful—not because they are stupid or not capable or trying to drive you crazy, but because the way that his brain is wired is not conducive to those organizational tasks that seem so easy to us.

Working with your child’s neurology

So helping your child to set up a system of organization the works with the way his brain works is going to go a long way towards future success. For example, your child is likely a visual person, so out of sight out of mind is the literal truth. So, setting up a visual reminders is going to really make a difference in whether he remembers or not.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

For example, to help with remembering to turn in homework, set up a class binder with a clear sleeve in the front which will be where the homework goes. When your child arrives at his class and takes out his notebook, the home work will be there sitting in clear sight in the clear sleeve as a reminder to turn it in. The sleeve will keep the homework contained in one place. So, hopefully it won’t get jammed into the bottom of the backpack or the back of the locker never to be seen again. The trick is to teach him that the homework is not done until it is in the clear sleeve! If you are already rewarding your child at home for completing homework adding this step into the requirements will help to cement it as a habit.

I would recommend a similar system for his deodorant. By storing the deodorant in a place that he never forgets to look, it will serve as a reminder to be used. For example, don’t put it away in a drawer or cabinet. Again, out of sight is out of mind. Put it on top of a dresser or on the bathroom counter where it is in plain sight for him to use. Rewarding him for remembering will help it to become a habit over time.

Taking Care Of You

By teaching your child how to work with his own neurology, you will be able to help him to learn to be more independent over time. You may find that it takes your child longer to learn these skills and with more repetition. This is why is it so critical that you make sure to do your own self care so that you don’t get so exhausted. Sometimes I think just knowing that, “This too shall Pass,” helps to keep us going even when we are beyond exhausted. Also, getting support from other parents can be very helpful. Finding a local support group can help you to know that you are not alone and that there is hope that one day your child will remember to turn in his homework and use his deodorant every day.

Defiance: What causes it and what to do about it.

 Videogame versus Homework

So, 10 year old John is sitting in front of the video game as usual. He’s making those frustrated sounds he makes when things are not going his way in the game. Mom realizes that it’s time for him to start his homework, so she says, “Hey, time to start your homework.”

Mom hears no response. It is as though she never said a word. So, she says, louder this time, “Homework time! Save your game.” This time he says “Wait a minute! I can’t stop now until I beat this boss, mom!”

Mom is reasonable so she says, “Okay five minutes, then you need to come do homework.” He says with some attitude “Whatever!” Now mom is starting to lose her patience. “Hey, I said five minutes. No attitude or the game goes off now!” He is silent this time.

In five minutes or maybe more if mom got distracted doing something else, she goes back to see that he is still playing, and now he is obviously doing something else—in other words he’s finished with the boss and is now doing something else. This time Mom says quite loudly lest he doesn’t “hear” her again. “John Michael turn that off now! Right this minute young man!” He says “No! Mom you are so mean all the time! Why are you yelling at me?”

By this time, mom has completely lost her own temper. . . Eventually, the video game is turned off and the homework gets done, but mom is angry, John is angry, and mom is wondering what the heck is wrong that she can’t get her child to do anything without have a battle royale.

What the heck?

There are some very specific reasons why some children are more likely to be defiant than others. These things have very little to do with a specific diagnosis although there are a few that seem to pop up frequently—ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Mood Disorders, but there are plenty of kids who would not fit a particular diagnostic category yet are extremely hard to parent due to almost constant defiance. These particular challenges involve a set of skills called Executive Functions which are delayed or completely missing.

Executive Functions

Executive Functions are a series of skills that help a person to organize their lives. This includes things like time management, prioritizing tasks, organizing, transitions, and impulse control. So what do these skills have to do with your child being defiant? Basically, if a task is needing one or more of these skills then that task is going to be more challenging for your child which may cause him to refuse rather than make the huge effort necessary to accomplish this task that seems easy to you and me.

Let’s go back to our video gamer who is refusing to do his homework. There are several Executive Functions in play here.

Time management – John doesn’t realize how long 5 minutes is, and he may be under estimating how long it will take to do his homework so he doesn’t understand his mom’s urgency.
Prioritization – John doesn’t prioritize his mother’s feelings, his homework, and his winning of the game he is playing in a way that works well for his life. The game will be there the next day and the day after that, but the homework is due tomorrow.
Transitions – John has a very hard time transitioning from a very pleasurable activity to a not so pleasurable activity like homework.
Impulse Control – John allowed himself to say to his mom “Whatever!” when she made a request of him. Most people have thoughts like these all the time, but John has a hard time not saying them out loud. It’s like a filter is missing.

All of these functions are necessary just to get from game play to homework. Actually, completing homework takes all of these and even more!

So how do I help my child?

While these challenges may be life long, it is possible with some specific interventions to help children to learn ways to cope with their challenges so that they are not so difficult. In the above example here are some ways that mom could have set things up differently that would have made things quite a bit easier.

• Rather than call out from another room – go and touch him on the shoulder, use his name and in a calm voice say exactly what you expect him to do and when. For example, “John, I want you to finish with this boss, then turn off your game and come to the table to start homework.”
• Using a timer – by using a timer, your child doesn’t need any reminders from you—when the alarm goes off that’s it. It takes you out of the loop and puts the control back on him.
• When he begins to move in the right direction, then use a specific praise statement to acknowledge that he is doing what you asked him to do. “John! You turned off your game! Way to go! (Give a high five)
• If this is still not completely resolving the problem, then have a heart to heart discussion when you are both calm about your concerns and encourage him to talk to you about his concerns, and then see if you can come to an agreement. “John, I expected you to do A, B, and C, but that did not happen. What’s up with that?”

Staying calm

The hardest part, but one of the most important parts is to remain calm. Remember that your child is doing his best right now even if that best is not what you would hope for at this point. By remaining calm, you will send a message to your child that you are in control, that you care about him, and most importantly you will be creating a better relationship with your child.

Breathing the Magic Bullet

Self Esteem: The Real Deal

There’s been a myriad of articles and even whole books written regarding the importance of self-esteem, how to build self-esteem, and whether there is really such a thing as self esteem. It can be quite confusing for a parent who is concerned about raising a child into a health and well adjusted adult.

Dictionary.com defines Self Esteem as:

1.a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.
2.an inordinately or exaggeratedly favorable impression of oneself.

And they report that the word originates from Phrenology—the study of analyzing the bumps on a person’s head to discover various attributes about that person.

Yikes, no wonder Self Esteem seems to have so much baggage attached to it. It means both a realistic as well as exaggerated favorable impression of oneself? How can that be? (sigh)

So, for this reason I tend to shy away from using this word at all. I will use Self Confidence instead often, but the bottom line is that we all want our kids to have a realistic idea about what a great kid they are. I believe that by having that special knowledge your child will be more self confident as they move through the world.

So, how can you help your child to have a realistic idea about him or herself? Here are some ideas:

1.Encourage a variety of adventures. Allow your child to try to do as many different activities as they have interest in trying plus a few that they are not so sure about. Some easy things in addition to very challenging things will give your child a chance to shine.

2.Praise your child specifically. You have heard me talk about this in my free report. This is not empty compliments or general “good job” comments, but praising specific things that your child is doing in the moment. If you need that report again, just hit reply and let me know you need it again, and I’ll send it over immediately.

3.Allow your child to fail. Failure is more important than success in building self esteem. The child who learns to manage their frustration and can get up to try again is building self confidence and self esteem. It’s the hard fought victories that build character.

4.Encourage effort not outcomes. Using specific praise to acknowledge the effort your child is putting into a project is much more valuable than that prize that may or may not ever get earned. Persistence is one of the key qualities in success in life—notice it and comment on it.

I hope this shines a little light on the subject of how to build self-esteem in your children. I welcome your comments or questions

Holiday Wishes

Here is wishing you and yours a happy holiday season filled with love and laughter.

Well, I don’t know about you, but we are in full swing around here. I have attended 4 out of 5 choir concerts (All three of my kiddos are in choir!)  this season and have been trying to organize the special meals and celebrations to come. I was beginning to feel frazzeled already!I got this message from Rena Hatch who is a Life Coach and truly a maven of self care that really helped me get back into focus on what is important.Check out her message about how her cat inspired her thoughts on self care for the holiday season.  Cats really are pretty wise! All the best, Karen DeBolt, MA Parent Coach and Family Therapist http://www.counselingformoms.com 503-459-2073 Helping families struggling with chaos at home to raise happy, successful children. Okay the hat has got to go! Photo by Delina on Flickr

Gotta Do it: Self Care

Oh my gosh! I don’t know about you, but I have a ton to do before I’m ready for the holidays. With all the planning, shopping, baking and party going, it is very easy to wear ourselves completely out before the big day even comes. I want you to think about some ways that you can increase your self care this holiday season so that you can actually enjoy it without getting fried to a crisp.

Gotta do it self care

Get enough sleep – yes actually make sure that you get into bed at a decent hour and allow yourself to sleep the amount of sleep that you personally need to feel good–every night! Sleep is critical for healing, for emotional regulation, for repairing your cells and filing away those things you need to remember. In other words, get enough sleep and you will think better, feel better and, yes darling, you will also look better. (Go back and read that with the Billy Crystal doing Lorenzo Lamas voice) Because to feel good is to look good. Okay, I’m getting a little goofy now!

Eat small healthy meals – with so much junk around it can be easy to just snack and forget to eat actual meals. Schedule in some time for eating healthy meals, and you will not only feel better, but be happier about the scale when January rolls around.

Exercise – you don’t actually have to get to the Gym and do two hours on the machines to get the benefits of exercise. Taking a 30 minute walk outside every day will do wonders for your mood and your energy levels. When you are feeling exhausted, try taking a walk. Walking really does seem to energize me when I’m feeling sluggish–give it a try!

Have some “Me time” – of all the gotta do it self care this is probably the most important and least likely to actually happen.  I want to strongly encouraged you to stop and get whatever you write your appointments in and actually schedule yourself time to do something that nurture your soul. Not sure what does nurture your soul? Then maybe its time to schedule time to think about that. . .

Time with friends?
Dancing to music you love?
Watching a mushy love story or a sexy thriller?
How about a nap or a bubble bath?

None of these things costs a lot of money but they all pay back big dividends in higher energy and better mood! Believe me getting depleted doesn’t do anyone any good–not you and not your family either.

So fill ‘er up and enjoy everything that the holidays have to offer.

Winter Advantage Day Camp

We are offering a great new program for Winter break which will help you to find the time to get in that self care I was just talking about!  Not only will you have some time, but your child will be learning, growing, and best of all having a great time.

Our summer program was so much fun that the children left camp asking to come back next year.

Check out all the details here

Fighting Fair

As miserable as fighting with your partner/spouse can be at times, it is not necessarily a red flag for your relationship. Everyone fights from time to time, but if the fights are very intense or very frequent or never seem to come to a resolution, then it might be time to take a look at the way you fight rather than on just what you are fighting about. There are several ways that the way you fight can actually cause even more problems that the original disagreement.

Here are a few:

Kitchen sink fighting

Do you find that when you are in an argument that one or both of you bring up past mistakes, past hurts, or other unresolved conflicts? I call this Kitchen Sink fighting because you are bringing in everything but the kitchen sink—heck I think my ex-husband did bring up the kitchen sink in one of our fights long ago, but I digress.

Hostage taking

Another way of fighting that is counter productive to resolution is to hold your partner hostage. Many times one partner will need to take a break to calm down and to collect his or her thoughts before continuing with an argument. However, the other partner will insist that the fight needs to happen right now and will not allow the other partner to leave or take a break. This will often cause either an escalation of the fight at hand or it will cause the partner who needs the break to agree to anything to just get out of the situation. Either scenario means that true resolution is not going to happen and not only that resentment is going to build up. The hostage taker will win every battle, but ultimately will often lose the war. . .

So what do we do?

The key to good fighting is to set up some ground rules ahead of time when things are calm. Here are some ideas for good rules to put in place before your next disagreement.

1. Take turns talking and listening—use an object to let the other person who when you are done talking and are ready to start listening. This will eliminate interrupting each other and will hopefully encourage calm listening by both parties.
2. Keep to the topic at hand—don’t bring in that kitchen sink!
3. Avoid absolutes—using words like “always” and “never” are a sure sign that you may be bringing in old wounds rather than keeping to the topic at hand in the here and now. Old wounds mean more intense emotions that may not fit with what is happening right now.
4. Take a break—if one partner asks for a break, then the other partner will honor that. This doesn’t mean that the fight is over and that everything is fine now. This means one partner needs some time and will say when he or she is ready to continue. The partner who is ready to go now needs to have a back up plan for how to cope with waiting like calling a friend, journal writing, or doing spiritual practice.
5. Give each other the benefit of the doubt—If you just met your partner, you would probably give him or her the benefit of the doubt. By staying as calm as possible and asking clarifying questions you may find that there is nothing to fight about after all.

By using rules like these in your fights, you may find that your arguments are shorter, less intense, and best of all come to a resolution. Don’t be limited by these rules either, come up with rules that work for the two of you are your particular situation. Remember if you are still having trouble that talking to a counselor can be very helpful.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

Social Skills: The Right Time and the Right Audience

I was talking to my husband about today’s newsletter topic and I explained to him that children who struggle with social skills often don’t understand that some behaviors are okay with some people and at some times, but not okay with other people or at other times. For example, arm farts are really funny and very acceptable when you are with your other 3rd grade friends on the playground or hanging around outside at home, but those same very funny arm farts will get you a trip to the principals office if you do it in the classroom or a time out if you do it at Grandma’s house.

“Aaah.” Said my husband with that dreamy look in his eye that tells me that he is remembering his own past arm fart fun.” Suddenly he said, “So how do you teach that?” “Well,” I said off handedly, “You just talk about it. Most of the time we just tell them to knock it off and that’s it. We assume that they know that this is not the right time. In fact, most of the time they must get pretty confused because they really don’t understand when it is okay and when it is not.”

I didn’t think anymore about it that day, but the next day my husband happily told me a story about putting this little idea on the road.

We were at an art fair with our extended family. My dad’s hip was bothering him, so I walked him back to the car and my son was tagging along. When we arrived my husband was already at the car, so he took both of them back to the house. My typically stoic dad was telling my husband about how much pain he is in when my son pipes up from the backseat, “Oh yeah, you think that’s bad, you should have felt how much pain, I was in last week!”

My husband immediately recognized that my son was acting in an inappropriate manner—some would even say that he lacked empathy—but rather than just tell him to “Knock it off.” He explained to my son that talking like that would be okay with his buddies.

(Imagine for a moment: a group of boys standing in a circle comparing war wounds. “Oh yeah, when I cut my arm it bled for an hour!” “Oh yeah, when I broke my arm the bone was sticking out!” “Oh yeah. . .”)

My husband also explained that this is not an appropriate way to talk to Grandpa when he is in pain. My husband said that he saw that little light bulb go off over my son’s head that day. The other added benefit was that this conversation also helped my dad to better understand my son’s social skills challenges.

____________________________________

Advantage Day Camp – Aug 24th – 28th in Hillsboro, OR.

Does your child sometimes behave in ways that are not appropriate to the situation at hand? This is an area where additional social skills help can make a huge difference.

If your child is going into 2nd through 6th grade and has social skills challenges, then Advantage Day Camp was especially designed for you. Day camp will provide a ratio of one highly skilled leader for each two children. We will be teaching skills like:

• Flexibility
• Collaboration
• Communication skills
• Impulse control

All while having fun playing games, getting into nature, and exploring our creativity.

You may notice that I left the Early Bird discount up even though that is long past. It was 105 degrees that week! Who could think about anything, but a nice, cool lemonade in that weather?

So, not to worry, I would like to help as many children as I can with this program before school starts again, so if this sounds like a good fit, then please don’t hesitate. I will be closing registration this Friday, August 14th at midnight, so that I can concentrate on preparations.

Fill out the form at the bottom of the webpage, and I will be happy to contact you at your convenience or feel free to contact me at 503-459-2073.

Three Keys to Better Social Skills

True story

We are standing in line at the grocery store. There is a fairly large, attractive black woman standing in front of us in the line. My beloved boy takes one look and says, “Oh. My. God. Look at how HUGE that woman’s. . .” I put my hand firmly on his mouth at that point! Oy! I was so embarrassed! I must have turned six shades of purple. I explained to him for the 876,000th time that we don’t talk about other people’s body parts. I have a dream that some day he will actually understand, but that is still a work in progress.

I think most every parent at one time or another has been embarrassed by something your child did in public. If your child struggles more than others with a deficit in social skills like mine, then this may be an everyday experience. I think it can be easy to get used to our children’s quirks at home, but out in the world that brutal honesty might get him a dirty look or worse a punch in the nose, that constant chatter about her special interest might get her shunned by peers, and that bossy attitude might land him in the Principal’s office—again.

Why does he do this stuff anyway?

Sure a diagnosis of ADHD, high functioning autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, etc. explains that there is a social skills deficit, but is it possible to teach something that most people learn intuitively?

The answer is yes!

Social skills can be taught just like any other set of skills since they don’t come naturally, each skill must be specifically taught, and not only how to do a skill, but when and why need to taught as well. Here are three keys to beginning to help your child improve his or her social skills.

Three Keys to Better Social Skills

1. Self Awareness – Helping your child to become more aware of how he or she looks to other people. You can do this by becoming a mirror for your child. You can do this as a game or by using a video camera to build awareness of how he is perceived

2. Other Awareness – stop the action on his or her favorite video and ask how a particular character might be feeling inside right now or what reasons they might have for how they are acting right now.

3. Situational Awareness – When you notice a particular social challenge arising within your family, stop the action and start a discussion about what is happening at that moment. For example, if your child is going on and on about his special interest, but the other family members are no longer listening. Stop the action and ask your child to notice the people around him right now. How are they holding their bodies, what expression is on their face, etc.

By building awareness, your child will begin the process of noticing and thinking about how he or she feels as well as other people.

I would love to hear what challenges and successes you have.

Self Care Challenge: Making a date with yourself

As busy moms the biggest mistake that we make is in taking care of everyone else and not taking care of ourselves. I know that I am guilty of this one on a regular basis. I will just keep powering through instead of allowing myself to take time to have some fun.

Fun? You say what the heck is that?

I know that feeling! You almost forget what you used to enjoy after a while. So think back and remember before you had a mortgage, children, significant other, etc. What did you use to do for fun?

Go for a hike?
Take in a play at the theater?
Hang out at the coffee shop with friends?
Dance around the living room?

I challenge each and every one of you out there to schedule some time for fun this week.  Make a plan then get a sitter and go for it!
If you did it, then go to the comments and post what you did so we can celebrate together!